Sunday, August 5, 2007

Thoughts about shutting down my blog

I have been thinking long and hard about shutting down my blog. I almost did so today then I read my friend Tarts blog, and had second thoughts.

I still have a strong urge to stop blogging. I have lost most of my readers anyway because I hardly ever write here any longer. My reasons for not blogging are pretty simple. I was taught long ago that If I have nothing nice to say, then do not say anything at all.

The past year I have struggled with not only fibro issues, but emotional ones. I took a class last year regarding getting over ones past. Funny instead of it helping me do that, it sent me flying right back into my own past! Flashbacks, memories of wanting to kill myself, and in general a huge feeling of shame has taken over my thoughts.

I went into a mode of feeling like I should be punished for all the awful things in my past. I know that I have been forgiven. I am forgiven by all involved, and most importantly Jesus. I however struggle with forgiving myself. I have spent years working on a past that no longer matters. It however has held me bound.

I at times feel like a lady with all these heavy chains keeping me in one place, the past. Honestly speaking the chains have slowly been dropping from my soul. I still am chained down in some areas. I struggle daily to break free.

Recently I have been set free from the whole brainwashing time in my life. One huge chain i broke free from. What a relief.

Other chains however hold me in place. Ones of my growing up years, ones of rape, abuse, and heartache hold me in place. I know, most of you will say , Omg mysti just let it go. Just get over it!

I have been told that all my life, and if I could let my past go I would.

Omg believe me I would. I do not like holding on to those times in my past. It's more like they are holding on to me. I find myself wrapped up in my own thoughts and most times my own little world. Keeping my thoughts and feelings all locked up, because to share them with others opens myself to judgement. Trust me I judge myself enough for everyone.

I am not saying everyone judges me. I still have a few in my life that I can show my soul to, and those few special loved ones do not judge me. I have others though who I opened up fully to and in the end they used my words, my own feelings of guilt against me. Or worse yet, those who I totally loved, and thought felt the same way about me, just dropped me with out a second thought. A couple did that to me this year. The crazy thing is, I still mourn the loss of their friendship.

I do open up to others. I have opened up my soul to others. I show the real me, and I can name on one hand the ones who do not hold judgment and never will. However the others I told and who they said they would not judge, did so in the end and they added more chains that I need to try to break free from. So I shut down. I put up higher walls of protection, and refuse to show who I am to too many people.

Doing this however has brought me to a place where I feel alone. Part of me says good! No one to judge me, no one laughing at me, or rolling their eyes at me in frustration and amazement that one lady can be so foolish. The other side of me says hmmm not good, you lost most of your friends, and the love that can also be given from those who will not judge you.

I have slowly but surly pushed everyone away, leaving me in a place that i am not so sure is a good place to be.

For some reason today i decided to write down these thoughts. For some reason I read one friends blog and thought do not give up on your own blog. Part of me thinks why bother anymore? Part of me knows that a few loyal blogger friends of mine have not given up on me. Part of me also knows that I am actually pushing even those blogger friends away, and they wont hold on forever.

So I am going to try harder at opening up, and showing the true me to those few who actually care.

With that I am off.




keepers said...

Dear Mysti

I felt like we were reading something we had written when we read this today. it all is so familiar, so us, so... like we have felt over and over. Please, please try again, please confide in those who will not and do not judge, why? because you have to get it out, it is imperative to get it out, trust us we know. we know you probably won't accept but you can write to us also. please don't give up, there is a light at the end of the tunnel and it is life.

peace and blessings

Keepers and John

wolfbaby said...

If you ever want to talk you have my number? if not IM me ok. I stopped calling cause I didn't want you to feel uncomfortable with me. But if every you just want to talk please call. I hope you don't stop writting. I miss your writtings more but you need to do what you need to do to feel comfortable. Im sorry people hurt you. Hang in there ok.


Raine said...

Maybe the few that are left are the ones worth keeping?

MYSTI said...

Keepers and John thank you so much. I appreciate your offer, and know that it comes straight from the heart. I will keep that in mind.
Hugs to you both.

Wolfbaby you never ever have bothered me. I always appreciate your calls hun. I will be calling you when things settle down after my move. Hugs

Raine you are very right. The few that comment here, and who have not given up on me are the ones that truly are good friends and very special in my in my heart. The best of the best have held on. Smiles my friend and hugs.

Anonymous said...

You have a lot of people that care about you. Maybe all you need to do is to allow them to show it. You have a beautiful soul, let it shine!

keepers and john said...

just dropped by to say hi and let you know we are here. hope all is going better for you

peace and blessings

keepers and john

Hope said...

I've considered hitting the delete button myself a few times lately, but couldn't bring myself to do it.
Honey, there are many things in my life that i struggle with, but learning to love myself has been the most important lesson of all.

krystyna said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
krystyna said...

Hi Dear Mysti!
First I want to say - Amen - to all comments. I think the same.

I found this Chinese Proveb:

If You Want Happiness For A...

If you want happiness for an hour ... take a nap.
If you want happiness for a day ... go fishing.
If you want happiness for a month ... get married.
If you want happiness for a year ... inherit a fortune.

If you want happiness for a lifetime ... help others.

I love to visit your place because your posts are very interesting, inspiring and very HELPFUL for me and I know that for many too.
I have problems with my past and with my emotions too. Reading your post I know that I am not alone.
Your posts are helpful for many, Mysti!

Fallen Angels said...

Hey...stay strong with that thing we talked about the other day. My thoughts on the issue...I agree with Raine, the ones that are still here just may be the ones worth keeping. The ones that don't make demands on you or your time. The ones that don't belittle your experiences, either at the time you reveal them or later, when angry. The ones that applaud your successes and help you through your hard times. Those are the ones worth keeping. We may not be around all the time, but we are still here and you can email or im.

'Tart said...

Remember that you are blogging for yourself. It does not matter if not a soul responded ever again. Plus, if you get a tracker, you'll see that people come all the time and for some reason like to read all about you, but won't comment. That's just a truth, and I say, blog anyway.
Me too on that 'pushed friends away, am living mostly with myself.' I sometimes wonder if its a bad thing, but I think I am working thru issues and maybe friends will happen again for me, someday. I was never a person with 20 friends who wanted to look good having that, I was lucky if I had one and I would hold on like a cowboy on a steer in a 7-second rodeo.
Your post is lovely and I liked your poem too. I can understand about the chains and the impatience to be free. My chains are different, but the thing is its clearly not about what the chains are made of but the choice to fight against them in the first place.
May I say, that some people give into their chains, they don't muster the courage or bravery to fight. Worse yet, are the ones that not only don't try to bust their own chains but have the gall to want to enslave another. You have sooo much going for you. And yes, you've got to keep it for yourself, don't give it away. Fight to push those mean enslavers away. I know you do all those things and you are such a great person all over. I know it for fact.
You have a wonderful day!
the Tart