A post for myself. Working it all out in my head.

Before you read, please know that after writing this post, I almost did not post it. It is a personal post that is meant for healing. My healing. Sometimes i think it is important to just write about stuff that one is holding in or thinking about. I am OK, just needed to vent some.



OK I figured it is time to write in my blog. Not just an every day post, but a real from the heart and soul post.

It has been so long since I have written anything personal.

I have been basically keeping my thoughts and feelings light hearted, and have spoken words that are what I like to call surface talk. Not allowing myself to think to deeply. Maybe it was because I needed to talk about nothing to deep. Who knows.

I made this blog to talk about issues though. Both emotional ones and physical ones. For some reason I got off that path. I guess i wanted or needed to be only positive. Which is great to, but sometimes life is not all about good.

There is so much i can write about. I think my senses become overwhelmed so i write nothing.

So tonight i am going to break that silence. I am going to just pick one of the many things that i am emotionally dealing with, and allow myself to release what I have held in. I need to get rid of some much needed baggage. I might not make any sense to my readers. I am not sure i will make sense to me....

Every time I turn around lately, I have had a certain topic brought up. It has come up on the T.v, in books,on the radio, and I even have had it come up with a friend of late.

The topic that was brought to the surface for me Is regarding rape. Such an ugly word really.

In my life time i have dealt with more then my fair share of hurt and pain. I have gone to counseling, have talked about the topic with a few select friends, and even addressed it here on my blog.

It was all a game to those who raped me. A game i do not get, or even want to understand.

I really hate this topic! I hate that I even have to deal with it at all. I always felt that if I went to counseling , if I talked about it, if I forgave those that hurt me I would experience peace.

I have given my pain over to God. Long ago I have given it to him. I still feel pain when the topic comes up.

Why is it I feel like it never will go away???? Why is it when I talk about rape I want to scream still? Why is it still a black spot with in my soul. Why can I not just tear those memories out of my mind, and throw them away, never to be looked at again? Why do I feel the need to even think on it?

I need to know why after all this time, it still feels so close to the surface? Why is it when I watch TV, talk to a friend, or even read about someone who has been raped, I get upset. I should be healed. I SHOULD BE FULLY HEALED... So why am I not?????

Those are questions I need answered. Those are questions that I know only God can answer.

I forgive, but can not forget. Maybe someday I will be able to look back at those times in my life, and see that in the long run I survived.

I survived, and I am a survivor. I am not a pawn to be used, abused and played with.....

I was raped in the month of April.

Maybe that is why it is all coming to the surface. Still i should be healed.


It is time....... Time to be fully healed.