Monday, March 30, 2009

A post for myself. Working it all out in my head.

Before you read, please know that after writing this post, I almost did not post it. It is a personal post that is meant for healing. My healing. Sometimes i think it is important to just write about stuff that one is holding in or thinking about. I am OK, just needed to vent some.

OK I figured it is time to write in my blog. Not just an every day post, but a real from the heart and soul post.

It has been so long since I have written anything personal.

I have been basically keeping my thoughts and feelings light hearted, and have spoken words that are what I like to call surface talk. Not allowing myself to think to deeply. Maybe it was because I needed to talk about nothing to deep. Who knows.

I made this blog to talk about issues though. Both emotional ones and physical ones. For some reason I got off that path. I guess i wanted or needed to be only positive. Which is great to, but sometimes life is not all about good.

There is so much i can write about. I think my senses become overwhelmed so i write nothing.

So tonight i am going to break that silence. I am going to just pick one of the many things that i am emotionally dealing with, and allow myself to release what I have held in. I need to get rid of some much needed baggage. I might not make any sense to my readers. I am not sure i will make sense to me....

Every time I turn around lately, I have had a certain topic brought up. It has come up on the T.v, in books,on the radio, and I even have had it come up with a friend of late.

The topic that was brought to the surface for me Is regarding rape. Such an ugly word really.

In my life time i have dealt with more then my fair share of hurt and pain. I have gone to counseling, have talked about the topic with a few select friends, and even addressed it here on my blog.

It was all a game to those who raped me. A game i do not get, or even want to understand.

I really hate this topic! I hate that I even have to deal with it at all. I always felt that if I went to counseling , if I talked about it, if I forgave those that hurt me I would experience peace.

I have given my pain over to God. Long ago I have given it to him. I still feel pain when the topic comes up.

Why is it I feel like it never will go away???? Why is it when I talk about rape I want to scream still? Why is it still a black spot with in my soul. Why can I not just tear those memories out of my mind, and throw them away, never to be looked at again? Why do I feel the need to even think on it?

I need to know why after all this time, it still feels so close to the surface? Why is it when I watch TV, talk to a friend, or even read about someone who has been raped, I get upset. I should be healed. I SHOULD BE FULLY HEALED... So why am I not?????

Those are questions I need answered. Those are questions that I know only God can answer.

I forgive, but can not forget. Maybe someday I will be able to look back at those times in my life, and see that in the long run I survived.

I survived, and I am a survivor. I am not a pawn to be used, abused and played with.....

I was raped in the month of April.

Maybe that is why it is all coming to the surface. Still i should be healed.

It is time....... Time to be fully healed.


Mike Golch said...

I would like to tell you that the emotional scars go away.I really would like to tell you that,but alais some of them do not.I have one incident that has been inbeaded in myu head since the sixties and no marre how hard I try it rears its ugly head every now and than.It is about a thing that happened to me because someone flew off the handle before getting all the information.
I will do a post about it soon.

Just Be Real said...

Tracy, I am new to your blog. I am so very sorry and angry that you were raped! I appreciate your honesty in sharing! Yes, only God can heal our deep wounds. I am sure this was hard for you to share! I am a survior of child abuse, so I can sympathize dear one. Again, thank you for sharing!

Hopefulsl said...

Dear Tracy!
I know that you and I have talked a little about this but really I don't know all the details........I'm looking forward to coming out and staying with you and your family this June, and then is when you and I will be able to really connect with one another with all of the trouble thoughts that wonder away in our BRAINS! Hopefully that will give each of us some comfort in some way? I too believe GOD is the one to really put a complete end to all of it, but in the mean time I think it is good to release your feelings like you have done so here on blogger. It must have been very hard for you to have shared this with the world? And I am soooo very PROUD of you to have found the strength and courage to do so :) Maybe by doing this post will take just a little of weight off of your BRAIN......I am looking forward to see what people have to say about this topic of yours and hopefully it will put some PEACE back into you! I hurt for you knowing that somebody out there has played on your SOUL and taken your dignity away from you. I wish it had never happened to you, but it is now that you and I plus the help of other people and (((GOD))) to wrap our LOVE & SUPPORT around you! You are a BEAUTIFUL & WONDERFUL human being, and I know in my heart that you will get through this somehow. May still take a long time but it will happen someday! Things just never go as quick as we would like them to happen, believe me, I still have issues that hang on and on! I sometimes believe the reason for that is to keep us more aware to what is going on around us and maybe even to keep us in control of ourselves to not allow certain things to happen again. I really don't know the answer but I like to try and think it through to why it still stays with us. I don't know if I am making any sense of all of this but I hope I was of some help in someway? I love you sis and I wish I could take this pain away from you right now. You are such a beautiful person and you have such a big heart :) Please don't allow this UGLY person who did this to you bring you down! Keep going forward like you have been doing so, and I know that you will have the answers you need to close this page someday! Thanks for sharing this with all of us.......Many (((((HUGS)))) are being sent your way>>>>>>


Wanda's Wings said...

I don't know if the pain of rape ever goes away. I am so impressed that you say you have forgiven him. I try to say that, but I'm not sure it's real. It more of a numbness about it. But You have really forgiven the man. You are a very strong and brave woman. Rape is the deep violation that can happen to a woman or girl. God helps us with the pain, but hearing of rape set off all the triggers again. It seems like it all happens all over again when ever you hear of rape or abuse. Tracy you are a beautiful woman that God is using. You are such a blessing to me. I hope you can be fully healed, but you are a light to others now.

Mimi said...

When you are violated in your very being...It is very difficult to forget...

and you are right only God can ease the pain...and He can ease this pain over and over each time it comes to the surface...

I pray for your emotional health as well as your physical health


Just Be Real said...

Tracy, thinking about you!

Awake In Rochester said...

I'm terribly sorry that you have experienced that. I don't know why things that we go through don't fully disappear. I lost my father years ago, but still have depression related to his death. I thought that I'd be better by now, but I'm still a mess. So I don't know the answer. Crap that happens to us tends to stay with us. Sometimes I think earth is purgatory. I'm sorry that I'm no help to you. I just can relate to things sticking, but I don't know why either.

Maybe it does have to do with April like you said. Maybe it's a trigger month. I hope that things look up for you. If you can forgive that person/s then that says a lot. Your a sweet person, and I wish you peace.

Raine said...

Who said you should be healed and over it and nonreactive when the subject comes up? Why do you feel you should be? Its and earthshattering thing and I would find it abnormal if you didnt feel some kind of reaction I would think. Dont be so hard on yourself. I KNOW you wouldnt have those expectations of another woman in the same boat.

Anonymous said...

Yes...because you was guildy for that.Do you remember,what you have written in the past in this blog?!

You blessed USA or Bush for that what he has done,slaughting innocent people in iraq and afghanistan.

Your rap was your payment for this.

Go to hell,fuckin bitch!!!!!

Mike Golch said...