Away in a manger is one of my favorite songs during this time of the year. Add the voice of the Celtic woman and it makes it even more special.
I hope you and your family all have a very blessed Christmas!
Friday, December 25, 2009
Posted by Tracy at 5:14 AM
Thursday, December 17, 2009
I just finished my latest work i am calling "Together"
It is a painting i have painted with my husband in mind. It is the love we share, a bond that will not be broken with God's watchful eye guiding us.
I wanted to create the intimacy between husband and wife. A love's strength, and a love shared.
I painted this from deep in my heart where the love for my husband is.... I hope you all enjoy. This is a Christmas gift for my husband. So family and friends who know him, shhhhhh...... At least until Christmas morning! :) Please share your thoughts and comments on my latest work. I always enjoy input regarding all my paintings.
*Sorry for the long absence. I shall update you all soon with how i have been.
Posted by Tracy at 1:56 PM
Friday, November 20, 2009
I hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving.
I have many blessings in my life to be thankful for. I think pain, tiredness, and other things weigh me down and i forget to be thankful.
"Life is not measured by
the number of breaths we take,
but by the moments
that take our breath away."
I hope everyone has a blessed Thanksgiving.
Posted by Tracy at 10:17 PM
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Click on the picture to get a better look.
(The painting looks brighter in person. I am having trouble taking a good picture with out light shining on the painting in spots, and dulling the colors.)
Here is my latest work. I still have to add color for the pelican and to the post it is sitting on. I will probably also add a couple of small pelicans flying in the background. I am also hoping to add more depth to the clouds in the sky. This painting is in oils, and I loveeeeee using oil paints! Only problem is, I have to be so patient while layers of paint dry before i can move on to the next stage.
I am so impatient. When i was painting using acrylic paints they spoiled me with how fast your work dries. I often could do an entire painting in one day if i chose to. LOL However I love the texture of oils, and I love how vibrant the painting looks when it is done.
I will be sure to share the finished painting with you all here in blog land. I am thinking of calling this painting "Joyful Moments" The colors feel so light and airy and well happy to me!
I probably will start a new painting while this one is drying. I have several in mind. I need to start a snowy one again so i can maybe put the pic on my Christmas cards. I also want to paint something with mist as a focal point. Another painting would be simply of water and reflections. I need to learn how to paint calm waters. :)
Fibro has been a problem for me lately, today I have no voice due to fibro, and I hurt all over. I have wanted to spend less time online lately and more time working on my art or just disappearing in a good book. I am also getting the urge to start cooking or baking again. Nothing like the smell of home cooked bread, or something with vanilla in it to make ones home smell good. It also is a comfort I think. Very homey to smell fresh baked goods.
I am sorry I have not kept up on all your blogs.
I think I am feeling guilty not reading everyone's blog during my fibro months. I once again have thought about shutting my blog down. Therefor taking away my guilt.
I think though posting my art will be a good thing. I am just not sure.
Anyway part of fibro problems is depression, so maybe I am depressed because of the constant pain. I hate to shut down my blog because I am depressed, then regret it later on when I am feeling better.
To those who are my blogger friends, know that I care, and I am so sorry that i have not visited your blogs in some time. I will try and make my rounds to your blogs as soon as i am feeling better.
Blessings my friends.
Posted by Tracy at 2:41 PM
Sunday, September 27, 2009
This is a true story of a Garage Owner in the Southwest. (New Mexico)
He was sick and tired of thugs breaking into his garage shop to steal tools etc. So he came up with this idea. He put the word out that he had a new Mexican Lion that would attack anyone that would break in or climb his fence. Would be thieves saw the "Lion" from a distance and fled the scene.
I'll give you 5 minutes to stop laughing
Posted by Tracy at 3:05 PM
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Here is my latest work I am calling "The Fire Within" . I painted this using oils. I painted with out reserve in hopes that this painting would glow with an energy unleashed. I hope you all enjoy.
Be sure to click on the painting to see it in a larger size.
I always love feedback. It helps me grow and improve on each piece of art i am working on.
When i view art I ask myself a few key questions.
1. What is my first reaction when looking at the piece.
2. What feelings when looking at the painting is invoked in me.
3. Does the painting pull you into the work.
4. What is my overall impression.
Posted by Tracy at 2:00 PM
Monday, September 14, 2009
Posted by Tracy at 12:48 PM
Sunday, September 13, 2009
My husband and I were privileged to participate in the tea party on Sept.12th in Washington D.C.
It was such a wonderful experience. The crowd was huge. (the numbers are still unclear, but i personally think it was almost one Million people!)
Everyone at this march was so peaceful and were so calm. Not once did we see any violence. Instead we saw mainstream America, all of whom were concerned about what is happening in Congress and wanting the President and the congress members to hear what all of what we have to say.
The media represents these people, (me included) as Domestic Terrorists. Since when is it terrorism for the people of America to have a voice and have a separate opinion from congress?
These people (mainstream America) are not crazy, they are not mobs, and are not out to hurt anyone. As you can see in the pictures, these people are every day people that you pass in the street each and every day. These people were polite, helpful, and all very friendly. Not one person i met in this march wanted trouble. They just wanted to make a statement. A strong statement. In fact people from all over the states came to participate in this march. There were Americans from Alaska, Hawaii, California, middle America, all the way to people here in the East Coast. People drove for hours, and days to make this statement. That is how concerned we all are. People from both parties were at this tea party. This was not about being a democrat or a republican. This was not about race, or about hatred. This was about being an American. This was about real people who are very concerned about what is going on in our government.
They are all just concerned Americans (myself included) who want congress to take a serious look at all the bills they are passing with out regard to what we all think.
WE want Congress to read the health bill fully. Not just assume what is in it is alright. We want the congress to think instead of just hurry bills through as fast as they can. We want them to slow down and really understand what is in that health bill reform!
Did you know that no one in the congress will be using the health care reform themselves? Did you know that the reform is not good enough for their families? I think if any one in the congress signs yes for this reform, they should be on the plan themselves.
How is it that what is good enough for mainstream America is not good enough for Congress or their families? Why is it that these people in Congress feel they know best????? That main stream America are dumb as sheep,that they know better then us? Why does this congress and the President consider anyone who disagrees with them and their ideas are domestic terrorists? I for one take great offense as being called a domestic terrorist! I am a concerned mother of two teen sons and am a loving wife who wants what is best for my family! I think i am smart enough to think for myself.
I know I am smart enough to see that if someone who is supposed to be representing me and my family, not wanting to use this health care plan for themselves or think that this health care plan is not good enough for their family, that it is not good enough for me or my family either!
This March on Washington was about morals, It was about smart people who wants what is best for themselves and their families, and it is about concerned Americans knowing when they are being blindsided by Washington!
Posted by Tracy at 6:59 PM
Friday, September 11, 2009
The storm... A work in progress. I still have to paint in the woman. As you can see I have already outlined her. This painting went from dark and moody, to light and breathtaking in my opinion. It shares a story. One of the soul.
Today I have spent 8 hours working on this painting. I have been pushing myself to put a lot of feelings into it. When the lady is painted, I am hoping one feels like they can feel the waves crashing down in the sea.. I hope one can feel the wind on ones skin,and feel the storm that is approaching. One should feel the strength inside this ladies soul. She may seem alone.... but she is not.
Please feel free to comment as this work progresses!
I hope everyone has a blessed weekend.
Posted by Tracy at 4:53 PM
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
To Congress, The 5 Pledges
1. I believe in a balanced budget and therefore will vote for a freeze in government spending until that goal is realized.
2. I believe government should not increase the financial burden on its citizenry during a difficult economic times, therefore I will oppose all tax increases until our economy has rebounded.
3. I believe more than four decades of US dependence on foreign oil is a travesty, therefore I will support an energy plan that calls for immediately increasing usage of all domestic resources including nuclear energy, natural gas and coal as necessary.
4. I believe in the sovereignty and security of our country and therefore will support measures to close our borders except for designated immigration points so we will know who is entering and why. I will vehemently oppose any measure giving another country, the United Nations, or any other entity power over US citizens.
5. I believe the United States of America is the greatest country on earth and therefore will not apologize for policies or actions which have served to free more and feed more people around the world than any other nation on the planet.
A Warning to the politician's. If you do not believe, support or reflect these beliefs in your actions then you are not supporting me. More importantly, you are not supporting, protecting or defending the Constitution.
Posted by Tracy at 6:10 PM
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Another day where my fibromyalgia has hit me hard. Yesterday I felt so much better while painting I felt maybe it would help me again today. Since I could not continue on yesterdays painting I pulled out a new canvas. I sat and prayed, asking God to help me come up with a painting that expressed this pain I am feeling deep inside.
I set about painting. I blared my music, turned off all phones and set about working on transferring what was inside me right that moment onto canvas. I really had no real plan in mind other then showcasing feelings, pain, and yes hope onto my canvas.
Three hours later, I set my brushes aside and realized that wow I feel better! I took a look at what my canvas held, and frankly it took my breath away. Maybe because it expressed so well what I was feeling.
This painting I am calling "The Storm"
I hope you all enjoy.
Posted by Tracy at 11:55 AM
Monday, August 31, 2009
I have started painting with oils again. I am loving the freedom I have when painting with them. I have given myself permission to just allow my soul to flow as the oils hit the canvas. No holding back theory.
In this painting it is my intention to show the colors of my soul. I want it to grab the viewer and pull them right into the trees. The first stage of my painting was to simply apply color and lines.
In this second stage of my painting I added mystery with the white in the bottom of my work. I then added textured leaves in a deep red. I want one to feel as if they can reach right in and touch the leaves. As you can see when I added the leaves and white the painting took on another life all of its own, it changed. It became softer, and more alive i think. It is less harsh. More like who I am in real life.
The third part of my painting I will be adding depth. I plan on adding up close birch trees. It will draw the eye into the center of the trees and then into the colors of my work. I am hoping that it will add impact, and flavor so to speak to my work that I have not had in the past.
The painting itself is supposed to be abstract, yet feel real at the same time. I want my work to make a person feel, feel the soul of my spirit. The only way I know how to do that is with color and textures.
I will show you the third stage soon. Since I am working in oils; I have to wait for this stage in my work to dry first before I add anything else. :) I hope you all enjoy.
All comments are welcome.
Posted by Tracy at 11:56 AM
Thursday, August 27, 2009
What I am sharing with you today is a message that i feel strongly about regarding fear in ones life.
Parts of this post are from an email i received today from a site called: Daily Inspirations Christianity.firstname.lastname@example.org I am compelled to share it with you because it strikes very close to my own issues I struggle with daily.
It always takes me by surprise how God will use others or tools you are using to reach you. In my experience If you are listening God will speak with you.
My friends and I have been talking about fear. Fear has been a topic brought up in the last few weeks of my life over and over. (Talk about God trying to get my attention, and me not really hearing! He has shown me over and over again, until finally today I heard!)
Last week my friend and I talked about how Satan will use fear as a tool to deceive you, and confuse you. He uses fear to bind the soul from growing, or fully healing.
I thought to myself that I myself am not allowing that to happen. I try to look fear in the face and confront it. I reject it when I feel fearful.
The reality is fear hides in strange places in ones life. One may not even know they are in fear of something.
While on vacation, my husband has shown me that fear controls my life at times. He sees it rather clearly. He has had no problem pointing those times out to me.
Case in point the family wanted to go kayaking. The day was a blah day, raining, and dreary, and I was thinking no way do I want to go kayaking in the rain, what if a lightening storm came up and we were on the water! He checked the weather and told me no it is only rain forecasted for the day. He pointed out fear is controlling me, and I should go enjoy the day with my family. It turns out the sun came out, and the rain left. If I had not gone I would have missed a wonderful day with all my guys!)
At the moment he was telling me i was allowing fear to take hold of me, I became upset. It upset me because I work so hard at not being afraid of things. Laughing at myself! I was shocked, because I did not feel that the problems I have in my own life is because I am in fear. Obviously others see things where I can not.
Last night and early this morning I sat down and prayed. I prayed for God to show me what is spiritually holding me back. I soon received my answer the moment that I opened today's devotional. Talk about God hearing you! How else was he going to talk with me when I am at home alone but through the computer that I use often? lol.
I wanted to share this email with you all. This devotional site has been a blessing for me.
The message is a powerful one, and hit the fear in my life right on the nose!
THE DEATH OF FEAR
The wicked flee when no one is pursuing, but the righteous are bold as a lion.
How do you respond to fear situations in your life? The following steps will help you identify and hopefully eliminate any irrational fears.
First, analyze your fear. Most people aren't aware of what is controlling their lives. If you are struggling with anxiety attacks, determine when they first occurred. What experience preceded the first attack? People struggling with agoraphobia can usually identify one precipitating event. It is often associated with some tragedy or failure in their lives, such as a marital affair or an abortion. Satan takes advantage of victimized people if they don't seek a scriptural solution to their crisis (Psalm 38:18).
Second, determine where God's place in your life has been usurped. In what way does any fear prevent you from responsible behavior or compel you toward irresponsible behavior? You may need to confess any situations where you've allowed your actions to be controlled by fear (Psalm 28:1). We will always live less than a responsible life if we fear anything other than God.
Third, work out a plan of responsible behavior. A college student shared with me that she was living in terror of her father. They hadn't spoken to each other in six months. Obviously there was irresponsible behavior on both their parts. I suggested that she take the initiative that evening and say, "Hi, Dad!" We reasoned that there were three possible responses he could give. First, he could get mad. Second, he could respond with a greeting. Third, he could remain silent. It was the possibility of the third response that created the most fear.
We then discussed the fourth point: Determine in advance what your response will be to any fear-object. The young woman and I talked about what her response would be in each of those three cases we had mentioned. I then asked her if she would be willing to carry out our plan. She agreed to do it. I got a call that evening from a happy daughter who exclaimed, "He said 'Hi' back!"
Do the thing you fear the most, and the death of fear is certain.
Prayer for my day:
Lord, give me the courage to meet my fears head-on and the persistence to overcome them in Your strength.
Posted by Tracy at 8:31 AM
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
I have spoken about Fibromyalgia before, but found this great video and it really does say it all. We are now entering the season (hurricane season) where my fibro gets really bad. All through the year fibro is bad for me, but this time of year seems to knock me off my feet. It always surprises me because I tend to feel better during the summer months. I have better days, and right when i think wow i feel great, fall arrives and with it the storms start to flow into our area... I then feel so discouraged because i realize that the relief was for a short amount of time, and I have to wait for another year before experiencing that relief again.
I try to stay positive during these upcoming months. Sometimes it works, while at other times I will go silent weeks at a time because I hurt to much. Although If I can stay positive, I find it helps in a lot of ways. It at least keeps me going and looking forward.
I also paint during these months if I can push myself into doing so. I paint because I am able to disappear in my works, at least for a short amount of time I can actually forget about the pain, it is there yes... but it is pushed aside in the fog somewhere.. It is hard to explain. Not sure if that makes sense.
I hope this video helps others understand better what fibro suffers deal with. I know that it is a long video but it really is worth watching. The info is amazing! It is the best video i have seen out there so far. The song is not so bad either. Smiling...
Blessings to all my friends out there in blogger land. :)
Posted by Tracy at 10:29 AM
Saturday, August 22, 2009
I am back from vacation. My family and I had a wonderful time. It was a very inspirational time for me. I am itching to get out a new canvas and my paints. :)
While we were in North Carolina looking at the beauty surrounding us, and one thought kept coming to mind, and that was... I am standing smack dab in the middle of God's Country. I was so awed by all the beauty. I am sharing one of the pictures my husband took while we were there. Everything is just so gorgeous there.
I hope everyone had a wonderful week, and is now having a great weekend.
I saw this email in my mail today and just had to share it all with you. It really warmed my heart.
This particular story just made me laugh. Every time I think about it, the vision of that poor cat just amuses me to no end. Hope the story leaves a bright spot in your day.
Dwight Nelson recently told a true story about the pastor of his church. He had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and then was afraid to come down. The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc.; but, the kitty would not come down.
The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and pulled it until the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten. Sooooo, that's what he did, all the while checking his progress in the car. He then figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten. But, as he moved the car a little further forward, the rope broke. The tree went 'boing!' and the kitten instantly sailed through the air - out of sight. The pastor felt terrible. He walked all over the neighborhood asking people if they'd seen a little kitten. No .... nobody had seen a stray kitten.
So, he prayed, 'Lord, I just commit this kitten to your keeping,' and went on about his business. A few days later he was at the grocery store, and met one of his church members. He happened to look into her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food.
This woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her, 'Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?' She replied, 'You won't believe this,' and then told him how her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing.
Then a few days before, the child had begged again, so the Mom finally told her little girl, 'Well, if God gives you a cat, I'll let you keep it..' She told the pastor, 'I watched my child go out in the yard, get on her knees, and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws outspread, and landed right in front of her.'
Never underestimate the Power of God and His unique sense of humor.
Posted by Tracy at 5:18 PM
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Blue Ridge Mountains
Hubby and I are taking our two teen boys on a vacation. We are going off to the place you see in this picture. I really can not think of a more beautiful place to spend a week enjoying river rafting, hiking, kayaking, exploring, and in general enjoying family time with all my guys! (lol even if the eldest is complaining he will be wasting a week of his life being unproductive with two old people! HAHA)
I will be back in about a week!
May God bless your own week with not only happiness and love, but peace.
Posted by Tracy at 4:23 AM
Monday, August 10, 2009
As I sit here drinking my coffee this morning I quietly reflect about how every day needs to be wrapped in prayer. We also need to protect ourselves with the spiritual armor that God has provided us with.
Just now I opened my email, and have read an email from Christianity.com Daily Inspirations. I would like to share some of what it said.
It talks about protecting ones mind with the The Helmet of Salvation. It shares that if you are a child of God, you have already been given this kind of safeguard to protect you from the enemy's attacks against your mind. The email points out that in Ephesians 6:17, Paul writes about the helmet of salvation. It states, "And take the helmet of salvation"...
In the final chapter of Ephesians, Paul deals extensively with the subject of spiritual armor. By the time we come to verse 17, he has already talked about the loin belt of truth, the breastplate of righteousness, the shoes of peace, and the shield of faith. Now Paul speaks to us about the helmet of salvation, using the illustration of a Roman soldier's helmet to make his point.
We are being attacked on a daily basis by evil. We really do need to protect our thoughts and our souls by putting on the Helmet of Salvation.
Today i am going to share a prayer that is from that email of Christianity.com. I hope that as you embark on your day that it is full of blessings and that you have your own Helmet of Salvation firmly in place.
MY PRAYER FOR TODAY
Lord, I am so grateful for my salvation! It is the most wonderful gift You have ever given me. It changed my life and set me free; it brought healing to my body and deliverance to my mind. I want to wrap the knowledge of all that my salvation includes around my mind so tightly that the devil can never steal these benefits from my life. Holy Spirit, I ask You to help me study and to understand everything Jesus purchased for me at the Cross. Reveal it to me; convince me of its truth; and help me to wear that revelation knowledge on my head like a mighty, fortified, spiritual helmet!
I pray this in Jesus' name!
MY CONFESSION FOR TODAY
I confess that I wear my salvation tightly around my mind like a helmet. When the enemy tries to attack my mind and to chop away at the benefits of my salvation, his attacks are completely ineffective! My mind is convinced of all that salvation means for me, and my mind is trained and taught to think correctly according to that knowledge. Therefore, the knowledge of my salvation becomes a helmet in my life. It doesn't matter how hard the devil tries to hack away at my mind, I still stand strong because I know what Jesus' death and resurrection purchased for me!
I declare this by faith in Jesus' name!
Posted by Tracy at 4:51 AM
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Another song sung by the Oak Ridge boys.
When painting I often play the Oak Ridge boys. Not only do they sing great gospel but all their songs in general tend to touch my heart.
This song in particular makes me think of some special people in my life who were or are part of my past. Ones who I never had a chance to say goodbye to, or stay in touch with. They however are always in my heart and often on my mind, I will never let the memories die just as long as I am alive.
I have been fortunate of late to get in touch with a few of these friends from my past. What a blessing that has been. :)
Isn't it funny how some people you meet in life will always be a part of your memories and your life? I have friends now who are special.... Past, present, future friends.. this song is for you.
I have been blessed with friends. Thank you to those who are a part of mine now.
Here are the lyrics to that special song.
I Guess It Never Hurts to Hurt Sometimes
Sometimes I feel a wave
Of a past break in my mind
And I know it's gone for good
And it makes me want to cry
Is this all we get to keep
As the years go rollin' by
Just a memory
For all the days gone by.
Oh you're always in my heart
And you're often on my mind
I will never let it die
Just as long as I'm alive
Sometimes it makes me sad
That we never said goodbye
Oh I guess it never hurts
To hurt sometimes.
You try and hold on to the moment
But time won't let you stay
But for every step you take
You lose something on the way
You can't look forward to tomorrow
And still hold on to yesterday
Oh I hope that you can hear me
When I'm saying
Posted by Tracy at 2:16 PM
I have always loved the Oak Ridge boys.
How can you not smile, dance and sing along when hearing this song?
It makes ones soul sing.
Posted by Tracy at 1:52 PM
Thursday, August 6, 2009
I received this in an email from a friend today, and about busted out laughing, i related with it so much! Working out with a personal trainer has it's good and bad points. I feel better physically then i have ever in my life, but... I also hurt more then ever. (I am always in pain, but this pain is different.) I have not lost weight (well a lousy five pounds in four months!) but have lost inches. I have more stamina and more strength, but the pain... omg the pain. laughs! This story could be about me..... I hope you enjoy.
A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM
If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.
For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.
Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!
Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!
Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasal whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the heck would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other crap too.
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny witch to find me.Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
I hate that witch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.
Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the stupid barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little brat) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!
Posted by Tracy at 2:22 PM
Monday, August 3, 2009
We are still masters of our fate.
We are still captains of our souls.
We have one life. One life to learn, one life to live fully, and one life to love fully.
As I sit and reflect on what I want my own life to be, I remind myself that we have only one life to fully connect with not only our friends and family but with God.
I hope that as I live my life , I am doing exactly that.
If you do not hope, you will not find what is beyond your hopes.
St. Clement of Alexandra
Posted by Tracy at 10:29 PM
Sunday, August 2, 2009
You cannot legislate the poor into prosperity by legislating the wealthy out of prosperity. What one person receives without working for, another person must work for without receiving. The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else. When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work because the other half is going to take care of them, and when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work because somebody else is going to get what they work for, that my dear friend, is the beginning of the end of any nation. You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it."*
* Adrian Rogers, 1931*
Posted by Tracy at 8:36 AM
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Life is good. My husband has gotten a job. ( Thank you all for your prayers, and kind words) My sons are strong and healthy. I am spending my days working on not only my physical health but also my spiritual health.
God is such a blessing in my life. At times I feel I do not deserve to be so blessed. I can only praise God more for watching over me, and blessing me with all that he has. I am thankful and humbled.
I know I have been silent of late. My reasons are simply that I have felt at a loss for words. Words just would not flow from me, so I have wanted to just sit with God, and allow my soul to strengthen within him before writing here in my blog.
I have thought about shutting my blog down truthfully, but something in me says this is not the time.
I have honestly fought with myself on many occasions, thinking that if I have no words or thoughts to share, I should just end the blog. The other part of me, the part deep within my soul shouts at me no it is not time to end this blog. This voice or feeling one might say has kept me from doing so. Please understand, I love my blogger friends dearly! I have not forgotten any of you trust me. I simply have run out of words. I do not want to force myself to write down words simply to write them. Instead I want this blog to be a place of not only growth, but one of substance. So If I go long periods of not writing, please know it is because no words are flowing. :)
Tonight following that same voice deep down, I feel the need to say a prayer for several of my friends. You know who you are. The prayer is for those of you who are struggling with life issues. Your own voice inside or feeling will tell you this is for you. I chose a song by Casting Crowns for my prayer. Yes I know that sharing a song as a prayer might seem silly, but It really has the words that I want to pray.
Please hear my heart dear Lord as I lift up this prayer in words for all those friends who are struggling with the problems in their lives.
Lord, I lift my friend to You, I've done all that I know to do
I lift my friend (friends)to You
Complicated circumstances have clouded his (her) view
Lord, I lift my friend up to You
I fear that I won't have the words that he(she)needs to hear
I pray for Your wisdom, oh God, and a heart that's sincere
Lord, I lift my friend up to You
Lord, I lift my friend to You
I know he (she) means much more to You
I want so much to help him (her), but this is something he (she) has to do
And Lord, I lift my friend up to You.
Lord, I lift my friend to You, I've done all that I know to do
I lift my friend to You
"Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen - Hebrews 11:1" -
Posted by Tracy at 9:07 PM
Saturday, June 27, 2009
I have had no real words to express lately. Life is moving forward even though I am unsure which direction it is moving.
My husband lost his job along with more then 30 other employees in his company because of company politics! No good reasons were given, just a game being played, and impacting so many families. We all are in shock truthfully that such silliness can happen. It did however, and now we are having to deal.
It happened fast and our heads are still spinning. It is a long story and too complicated truthfully to explain. We are now trying to figure out what we should now do. There are a lot of options being put in front of us, but none are really clear paths. It is a time of waiting, and being patient. (the patient part is hard for me.) I guess though that life is never easy, if it were we would never appreciate all the blessings that happen each and every day.
We would like to stay put, and not move for several reasons. We would like to see our sons finish high school with out another move. We would also like to stay in the house that we have built. We have been in the home such a short time, a little over a year. We are still working on areas in the house that are undone. I also have a couple of really close friends that would be deeply missed.
Hopefully we will be able to stay and not move. Only time will tell I guess.
On a bright note, one thing that has happened during this time of uncertainty, is my twin and her husband came for a visit. What a blessing that was! We had a wonderful time together, and it was a nice break from all the unknown.
My twin and I had such a good time catching up and just being together that i feel lost now that she is gone. We also were pleasantly surprised that our husbands who met for the first time hit it off, and had a great time visiting also! That was a huge blessing, and such a gift. I enjoyed visiting with them so much i did not want them to leave. :) I miss my twin already.
I am leaving on Monday to visit family in Iowa. My Aunt has been very sick, she has had several strokes and I want to give her a hug. I think i really need to be with family right now. Maybe it will help calm me. I will be gone a little over a week. Hopefully when I return my husband and I will have a clearer picture of what our future holds.
I would like to thank all of you for your wonderful support, and for your encouraging words. I am blessed that so many people in blogger land care, and have me in their prayers.
*** This week i have tried visiting my friends in blogger land, and for some reason blogger has not been working. I try to post and sometimes it works, and other times it wont! Please know that I will try and catch up again with all of you when I return from Iowa.***
Posted by Tracy at 8:50 PM
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Happy moments, PRAISE GOD. Difficult moments, SEEK GOD. Quiet moments, WORSHIP GOD. Painful moments, TRUST GOD. Every moment, THANK GOD.
My family and I are going through some tough times right now, and things are not going to get any easier in the near future I think. Amazingly enough while sitting here worrying and wondering what the future holds for me and my family, I was reminded that when walking down an unknown path that is dark and has lots of twists and turns, if you brighten that path with a little light one can see all that stands in ones way, and go a lot further down that very path.
Faith, and prayer is so very important during each trial a person might face in life. So I am going to hold out my hand and grab onto Jesus, and let him light and guide the way. He already knows where we are heading. All I need to do is trust in him to get us there safely.
My prayer for tonight as I head off to bed is a verse I saw just moments ago.
" Not by might nor by power, but by My Spirit,’ says the LORD of hosts." Therefore " I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." - Zechariah 4:6, Philippians 4:13
So by the Spirit of Christ I shall allow him to strengthen me, and I shall stop worrying so much about situations I have no control over.
Thank you Jesus for your love that you have always shown me, for your insight when i can not see, and your strength when I am feeling powerless. Amen
Posted by Tracy at 11:26 PM
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Here is the very first stage of my wave painting. I have a lot of details to add to this painting yet. As I work I will show you my progression. I hope you enjoy.
I hope you all have a wonderful weekend!
Posted by Tracy at 5:38 PM
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Just a quick update on whats happening in my life.
It has been a long time in coming. Lots of healing, years actually, but i finally have been trying to get myself centered, and back on track to where I was before a lot of trauma took place in my life several years back.
I have been spending my days working on my health both physically and spiritually. I have been working out every day. Three of those days I work out two hours with a physical trainer. She is doing her job! I am soooo sore. In a good way of course, but oh wow..... there are days I can barely move. lol
Spiritually speaking I have been spending time with God in prayer, and just walking or sitting with him, allowing him to be my friend. I think so many of us forget that God is the best friend we can have!
This song is where my soul is right now. Needing to be close with God.
I hope everyone is doing well. Soon I will try to update everyone on how things are going in my life.
Posted by Tracy at 3:32 PM
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
(Picture taken by my husband outside on our deck.)
I started working out with a personal trainer yesterday. I will be working with her three times a week on top of the exercise program I already am doing with Water Aerobics.
I am rather excited truth be told, and rather exhausted! She really pushed me to go above and beyond what I normally would do if I was working on my own. I think the work outs will be tough, but in a good way. I am feeling very motivated of late to get myself into shape. I am tired of always being sick, and very tired of my health issues holding me down. This personal trainer is also a physical therapist. She has worked with a lot of women who have medical problems. She understands my medical issues, and is sure she can work with me and get me back into shape!
For me this is exciting news. I have been sick way to long, and I have missed out on to many beautiful days.
The next few months I am hoping to not only get in shape, but also work on a new painting idea that I have been thinking on for some time.
The painting will be all about a single wave spread out on the canvas. I love the ocean, and love the colors of the sea. I am hoping to create a painting that will make one feel like they are part of the wave when looking at it. I want ones soul to soar and feel not only complete freedom a wave has in movement, and expression, but also feel exuberant,and fully alive. I want one to feel ready to take on what ever might be in ones path and future. I want the person to feel as if they are inside the wave, and moving with it. Make sense?
I will be showing my work in stages like I have done in the past here on my blog. (First stage will be shone soon.) I hope you enjoy following my progress as I embark on this new experience.
Posted by Tracy at 12:21 PM
Sunday, May 3, 2009
(Picture taken by my husband.)
Lately I have been in a meditative mood. The world seems to be taking a turn toward insanity. It is no surprise really, since the bible tells us it will. It still makes me sad to see such craziness happening in our world.
With all that is happening in our world, I have needed to become more centered. I have needed to really understand what I believe, and to stick to those beliefs.
I have also wanted to grab onto what is important in my life. To be with my family and friends. To search out those who I love, and let them know I love them. I have needed to stand with God hand and hand.
A need for solace and a place to be quiet has been a constant in my life lately. The ocean is a place I always turn to because that is where my spirit sores and I feel closest with God. Even knowing this I have had to remember that one needs to be firmly grounded in God's word.
In order to stay close with God one has to take bible in hand.
Pulling out the bible I came to Ecclesiastes today.
This book, and verse speaks to me and the times we are living.
Ecclesiastes 3:1-18(New International Version)
A Time for Everything
There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
What does the worker gain from his toil?
I have seen the burden God has laid on men.
He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end.
I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live.
That everyone may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all his toil—this is the gift of God.
I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that men will revere him.
Whatever is has already been,
and what will be has been before
and God will call the past to account.
And I saw something else under the sun:
In the place of judgment—wickedness was there,
in the place of justice—wickedness was there.
I thought in my heart,
"God will bring to judgment
both the righteous and the wicked,
for there will be a time for every activity,
a time for every deed."
Posted by Tracy at 9:35 PM
(I never fully understood how a woman can see an image larger then they really are while looking at themselves in a mirror. I am now seeing that it is real, and it does happen. Of course I am not anorexic but I defiantly see a woman staring back at me that is not reality based.)
I have had a few comments about my latest work "Full of Beauty" from a few people who are close to me.
I asked my husband several times if I got the lady right in the picture. If i captured my real self? He always got quiet, and said the painting is beautiful. I would push and say yeah but the lady??? Did I capture myself? He would go quiet, never really wanting to answer. Probably because he has told me many times that I see something other then he does when looking at me.
After asking again the other day my husband said that I exaggerated how large I really am. He said yes I am larger then I want to be, but I painted the lady bigger than I really am. Then quickly said but the painting is beautiful!
Today I was with a good friend of mine, and she quietly told me that I am not as large or old looking as I painted myself in that painting. She felt it was a good painting, but not one that is true to who I really am. She asked me what I was using to look at when i painted myself? She wanted to know if i looked in the mirror, or had a picture as a guide during the time I was painting? When I told her I used nothing but an image in my own head, she nodded, and said ok that makes sense. She told me that image was not a true image of me.
To be completely honest my husband took a few pictures of me from behind, and when I saw them I could only look at them for a few moments, and then I shut the camera of. Wanting him to delete them right away! I hated what I saw, and felt deep sadness when regarding myself. The image I saw made me want to cry. I had so many thoughts and feelings at that moment. I truly was disgusted, and saddened that I could be so over weight. I wondered to myself how can I paint that lady?
I had to do a soul check truthfully. I had to really come to terms with what is important in life. I had to give myself a pep talk that day. One shouldn't care so much about outer appearances, it is the inner beauty that is important is what I told myself.
It took me several months to come up with enough courage to paint what I saw that day.
I never once considered that maybe I was seeing a warped image of the real me.
Isn't it interesting how we see one thing in regards to ourselves, while others see something entirely different?
I have always seen a lady who is fat and ugly in the mirror. It did not matter how thin or what weight I actually was at the time. I simply saw fat, and ugly.
I could never understand why people see me as beautiful. I would privately think to myself that the person telling me that was either crazy... or just trying to make me feel better.
I always go silent when someone says I am pretty. It confuses me truthfully. In my mind I ask who are they seeing? Because it sure as hell is not me! I have laughed at people when they say Tracy you are pretty. I say aha.. thank you, and change the subject. A few have said wait! You really are. Why can you not see that! I just stare at them blankly because I am thinking, can you not see what I see? I actually get mad because I have felt like others are lying to me just to make me feel better.
I thought when painting "Full of Beauty" it would be an experience of letting go of baggage. The baggage of gaining weight. I now see it is a reality check for me instead.
The reality is, I honestly see someone different when I look in the mirror. I had to finally come to terms with the fact maybe it is me seeing wrong, and not everyone else.
It is something to ponder on.
Very interesting indeed......
Posted by Tracy at 2:38 AM
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
My soul yearns for the simple.. So I am spending time reflecting on things that make me happy. A walk on the beach, a walk in the woods, a walk hand and hand with whom my heart and soul yearns to be with. Walking in silence, and enjoying the company of God.
Here is a poem written by one of our greatest poets to go with my mood.
A Dream Pang
by: Robert Frost
I had withdrawn in forest, and my song
Was swallowed up in leaves that blew alway;
And to the forest edge you came one day
*This was my dream) and looked and pondered long,
But did not enter, though the wish was strong:
you shook your pensive head as who should say,
'I dare not--to far in his footsteps stray-
He must seek me would he undo the wrong.'
Not far, but near, I stood and saw it all
behind low boughs the trees let down outside;
And the sweet pang it cost me not to call
And tell you that I saw does still abide.
But 'tis not true that thus I dwelt aloof,
For the wood wakes, and you are here for proof.
Posted by Tracy at 10:50 PM
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
(Picture taken by my husband.)
Today was the perfect day for walking on the beach. While walking I allowed my soul to be quiet, which allowed my spirit to soar. The ocean always helps me feel closer to God. I always feel such awe at that feeling I get when I am at the ocean.
I found this poem this afternoon, and thought it perfect for how I felt today as I walked along the shore.
Sonnet #43, From the Portuguese
How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.
I love thee to the level of everyday's
Most quiet need, by sun and candlelight.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.
I love thee with passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints, - I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life! - and, if God choose,
I shall but thee better after death.
Elizabeth Barrett Browning
Posted by Tracy at 8:40 PM
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Painting is called Full of Beauty.
Here, is my latest painting. It is a very personal painting, because it is painting of myself. I am calling this work "Full Of Beauty".
I saw an image in my mind of total freedom in being me. I have always been so self cautious of my weight gain over the years. A weight gain caused by emotional trauma and physical health issues.
I feel God has slowly been showing me that no matter the size of the woman they can be seen as beautiful.
This painting will be one of emotional growth in seeing the beautiful lady that God created. I also hope that it will be an expression of shedding many layers of emotional baggage and show casing that I am a survivor!
I am showing myself walking into the ocean and dropping a towel, allowing it to slide slowly down into the sea..a symbol of the baggage being shed that i have carried through out the years.
The reason I chose a sunrise for the sky is because it is a representation of a fresh start, and new beginnings.
This is the first time i have painted the human form, and i acutally chose to paint myself. Go figure.... lol
I like to let God guide me when i paint, and this was the time to paint this.
As always i love feedback on my works. It helps me to grow not only in my work but spiritually.
I hope you all enjoy.
Posted by Tracy at 1:24 PM
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
(above picture of 1st stage of painting.)
(above picture is 2nd stage of painting)
Because I have not been feeling very well of late I haven't been doing much in painting. Now that I am feeling so much better I am able to do what I love! Here is the very first stage in the new painting I am working on. As you see in the 1st stage it needs lots of work still, but thought you would like to follow me on this latest journey in creating another one of my visions. I still need to even out the sea line, and work on the ocean, as well as paint the main reason for this painting.
In the 2nd stage, the sea is more even, and the water looks more real. There is more movement. I have added more to the sand, making it appear as if the water has been pulling in. I am now going to move to the third stage.
I am hoping I am able to paint myself. I saw an image in my mind of total freedom in being me. I have always been so self cautious of my weight gain over the years. A weight gain caused by emotional trauma and physical health issues.
I feel God has slowly been showing me that no matter the size of the woman they can be seen as beautiful.
This painting will be one of emotional growth in seeing the beautiful lady that God created. I also hope that it will be an expression of shedding many layers of emotional baggage and show casing that I am a survivor!
I will be painting myself walking into the ocean and dropping a towel, allowing it to slide slowly down into the sea..a symbol of the baggage being shed that i have carried through out the years.
The reason I chose a sunrise for the sky is because it is a representation of a fresh start, and new beginnings.
I hope you enjoy watching the stages as they take place. Hopefully as I progress in this painting I will not be to shy to post the painting.
Blessings my friends!
Posted by Tracy at 8:00 AM
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Getting better sleep, feeling more alive, enjoying life....
Today my family is on my mind. My mom and dad in particular. Growing up we listened to music a lot. Between Conway Twitty songs that my mother sang, and Johnny Cash songs that my dad sang.. I am in a remembering mood. Smiling and enjoying the memories i had with my parents.
I love you both! Some day Mom I will see you again. Dad... Someday soon i hope to see you, hugging you close!
Here is a song my dad listened to.
A boy named Sue!
Here is a song I remember my mom singing.
Posted by Tracy at 6:40 PM
Friday, April 17, 2009
I am up once again with only a few hours sleep, but laughing with my friend Tart on chat, what a nice surprise. I showed her the test results I took on facebook that made me go wow! The results fit me to a tee. Tart and I thought I should share it here on my blog. So here goes.
Tracy completed the quiz "What is your theme song?" with the result George Straight -I Saw God Today.
You've got a new sense of a supernatural love in your life. You've begun to notice the little things that have been specifically placed in your life, just to make you smile. You are at peace with yourself and the world. Good for you!
Here is the video. I hope you enjoy!
Posted by Tracy at 3:53 AM
Thursday, April 16, 2009
You ever just need to sing?? And sing out loud while you dance??? I have to sing today, I have to dance. I need to get this energy out of my body and soul. I am running on tiredness, running on nerves, and just flat out running....
Sometimes a special song gets stuck in ones head and helps one relax. I have been singing this song all day.
This is an oldie but goodie that is for sure.
Here is a song to dance to..... Grins.
Singing loudly, and dances while painting today.
Hope you are having a blessed day!
Posted by Tracy at 3:39 PM
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Sorry all. Due to some nasty anonymous commenter I am putting all my comments on moderation. I am sad to have to do this, however what this person is posting on my blog is unacceptable, and rather disturbing.
Hugs to all my blogger friends. Thank you for all your wonderful support and for blessing my life with your uplifting comments.
May you all have a blessed day!
Posted by Tracy at 6:22 AM
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Toby Keith - Courtesy Of The Red White And Blue
This post is dedicated to the anonymous commenter a few posts down. I mean every word of this song, and proud of it. ( btw it is my right to be proud of my country, and to stand up for what i believe in. Thank heavens for the American way!)
Here is the comment that they left.
Yes...because you was guildy for that.Do you remember,what you have written in the past in this blog?!
You blessed USA or Bush for that what he has done,slaughting innocent people in iraq and afghanistan.
Your rap was your payment for this.
Go to hell,fuckin bitch!!!!!
I have allowed for open comments on my blog, because i do want to hear what people have to say regarding my posts. However that does not mean i am open for abusive language, or mean spirited remarks. I speak openly here about what i believe in, and the morals i have. It is clearly stated on my side bar that I am one who has strong beliefs. I am not going to apologise for my beliefs, or my thoughts. If you have a problem with my blog posts, you are free to not read them.
I will not allow anyone to spout out abusive words to me...... I am proud to be a Christian. I am proud to be a conservative Christian. I am proud to be an American who is a conservative Christian.
My rape was not because of my beliefs. MY RAPE was because some sick person thought RAPE was acceptable. The fact that you mr. or mrs. anonymous would think rape was ok for any reason and has to hide behind anonymous... (just shows your character btw) Stop reading my blog.. Or at least have the decency to show yourself.
Posted by Tracy at 11:55 AM
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Hi all. I have been dealing with a new medicine my doctor has wanted me to try. The medicine has been messing up my sleeping patterns. Some nights I have not slept at all. Other nights i sleep a few hours. So i am rather sleep deprived. All in all I feel rather punchy and have not been able to think. I have not wanted to post or talk with to many because i am not making a lot of sense. Thank you everyone who has commented on the posts below. I am blessed to have so many who care about me.
I do want to wish all my friends a very happy Easter though, and post a video a friend of mine sent via email. I hope you find it as uplifting and inspiring as i have! No matter what we all may be dealing with in our lives, we need to remember never to give up! We need to keep getting back up when we are knocked down, and move forward. There is always hope.
I will be reading and catching up on all your posts soon my blogger friends. Just as soon as i can think again clearly.
Hugs, and blessings sent to each and every one of you!
Posted by Tracy at 7:55 AM
Monday, March 30, 2009
I know I posted this song before on my blog, however I relate with the song, and wanted to share it once again. :) Besides some songs are just classic, and deserved to be revisited from time to time.
Thankfully the people i surround myself with now do not play head games. I am much more selective when choosing my friends now. :) Thank you to those I call friend for being so honest, and such a blessing for me.
Posted by Tracy at 9:30 PM
Before you read, please know that after writing this post, I almost did not post it. It is a personal post that is meant for healing. My healing. Sometimes i think it is important to just write about stuff that one is holding in or thinking about. I am OK, just needed to vent some.
OK I figured it is time to write in my blog. Not just an every day post, but a real from the heart and soul post.
It has been so long since I have written anything personal.
I have been basically keeping my thoughts and feelings light hearted, and have spoken words that are what I like to call surface talk. Not allowing myself to think to deeply. Maybe it was because I needed to talk about nothing to deep. Who knows.
I made this blog to talk about issues though. Both emotional ones and physical ones. For some reason I got off that path. I guess i wanted or needed to be only positive. Which is great to, but sometimes life is not all about good.
There is so much i can write about. I think my senses become overwhelmed so i write nothing.
So tonight i am going to break that silence. I am going to just pick one of the many things that i am emotionally dealing with, and allow myself to release what I have held in. I need to get rid of some much needed baggage. I might not make any sense to my readers. I am not sure i will make sense to me....
Every time I turn around lately, I have had a certain topic brought up. It has come up on the T.v, in books,on the radio, and I even have had it come up with a friend of late.
The topic that was brought to the surface for me Is regarding rape. Such an ugly word really.
In my life time i have dealt with more then my fair share of hurt and pain. I have gone to counseling, have talked about the topic with a few select friends, and even addressed it here on my blog.
It was all a game to those who raped me. A game i do not get, or even want to understand.
I really hate this topic! I hate that I even have to deal with it at all. I always felt that if I went to counseling , if I talked about it, if I forgave those that hurt me I would experience peace.
I have given my pain over to God. Long ago I have given it to him. I still feel pain when the topic comes up.
Why is it I feel like it never will go away???? Why is it when I talk about rape I want to scream still? Why is it still a black spot with in my soul. Why can I not just tear those memories out of my mind, and throw them away, never to be looked at again? Why do I feel the need to even think on it?
I need to know why after all this time, it still feels so close to the surface? Why is it when I watch TV, talk to a friend, or even read about someone who has been raped, I get upset. I should be healed. I SHOULD BE FULLY HEALED... So why am I not?????
Those are questions I need answered. Those are questions that I know only God can answer.
I forgive, but can not forget. Maybe someday I will be able to look back at those times in my life, and see that in the long run I survived.
I survived, and I am a survivor. I am not a pawn to be used, abused and played with.....
I was raped in the month of April.
Maybe that is why it is all coming to the surface. Still i should be healed.
It is time....... Time to be fully healed.
Posted by Tracy at 7:20 PM
Thursday, March 19, 2009
(picture taken by my husband)
Hi Everyone. I know it has been a long time since I have posted. There have been a few reasons i haven't. I have been very stressed to be honest.
My husband went out of town for six weeks due to work. I have a very hard time when he leaves. I actually had a lot of anxiety attacks, and every time i sat down to explain what was going on in my life no words would come, or i would feel even more anxiety.
I have been this way for as long as i can remember. I just do not deal well with being left alone. I am told through therapy that it is because I feel abandoned. I have huge abandonment issues. My head tells me one thing that I am fine, he has not left "me" and he will return. When something else deep down inside of me says it is untrue, something bad will happen and he is never going to return. It is very illogical i know this, but non the less it is what i go through each and every time.
Those of you who have followed my blog for a very long time know that this is a very hard thing for me to overcome. I became sick during the time he was away, probably because of the stress i was feeling. Now that my husband is home I am feeling better, but still dealing with fibro issues.
While my husband was gone my youngest son started having seizures. (I found this out yesterday when my husband and i took my son to the emergency room. My son never told me so i thought he was just messing around when i heard a thump! He would yell that he was just messing around. grrrr. He said he did not tell me because he did not want to worry me!) However he could by with that for long. The other night my son actually passed out in front of my husband and I! He went into a seizure. His eyes were wide open, and his head was shaking somewhat, and he looked liked he was trying to talk, but could not. It scared the living daylights out of us!
When he came out of the seizure, he had no real memory other then he felt like he was going to faint right before he did. The doctors told us that he needs to go to a neurologist. We set up an appt. and now we play the waiting game... My son is ok, and dealing with this very well it seems. He however is upset that the doctor told him he can not ride horses until we figure out all that is going on. He loves horses.
An update on my Twin, since i know several of you are also wondering how she is. My twin has had a very busy life! She became a cna (certified nursing assistant) during this time! I am so proud of her. However she to has had a hard couple of months. She has been very sick. She has struggled through pneumonia and just now found out her thyroid levels are very high! She has been losing so much weight. So she is now being sent to get more testing done. She should know more after she goes through more testing.
Through all that sickness she became a cna anyway! Yayyy Stacy! I am so very proud of her!!! This was a huge accomplishment!
My hubby and I celebrated our 18th anniversary yesterday! Even though we spent much of the day in the hospital with our youngest son I feel rather blessed that at least we are dealing with this situation together, and I am not all alone, because i would have freaked i think. I love my husband so very much and am proud that we have shared 18 wonderful years together.
Thank you to all who check out my blog every day. Thank you for caring and not giving up on my blog.
I hope you all have a blessed day!
Posted by Tracy at 7:03 AM
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Posted by Tracy at 4:01 PM
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Monday, February 9, 2009
I finished the second painting in my Serenity series. The first one was a fox, this one is of the buck. Now i am off to paint number three. :)
The first painting shown is the buck painting alone.
The second one is side by side with the fox painting.
I think it is coming out great! Now I am off to work on the third painting.
Hope everyone is having an ok week.
I have had to deal with sick boys, and myself being sick the last several days. I am starting to feel a little better today, but still not feeling 100 percent.
Hope you enjoy the second painting my my series!
Hugs and blessings sent to you all.
Posted by Tracy at 12:20 PM