Thursday, May 28, 2009

First stage of wave painting

Here is the very first stage of my wave painting. I have a lot of details to add to this painting yet. As I work I will show you my progression. I hope you enjoy.
I hope you all have a wonderful weekend!


Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Getting back on track

Just a quick update on whats happening in my life.

It has been a long time in coming. Lots of healing, years actually, but i finally have been trying to get myself centered, and back on track to where I was before a lot of trauma took place in my life several years back.

I have been spending my days working on my health both physically and spiritually. I have been working out every day. Three of those days I work out two hours with a physical trainer. She is doing her job! I am soooo sore. In a good way of course, but oh wow..... there are days I can barely move. lol

Spiritually speaking I have been spending time with God in prayer, and just walking or sitting with him, allowing him to be my friend. I think so many of us forget that God is the best friend we can have!

This song is where my soul is right now. Needing to be close with God.

I hope everyone is doing well. Soon I will try to update everyone on how things are going in my life.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Feeling Motivated

(Picture taken by my husband outside on our deck.)

I started working out with a personal trainer yesterday. I will be working with her three times a week on top of the exercise program I already am doing with Water Aerobics.

I am rather excited truth be told, and rather exhausted! She really pushed me to go above and beyond what I normally would do if I was working on my own. I think the work outs will be tough, but in a good way. I am feeling very motivated of late to get myself into shape. I am tired of always being sick, and very tired of my health issues holding me down. This personal trainer is also a physical therapist. She has worked with a lot of women who have medical problems. She understands my medical issues, and is sure she can work with me and get me back into shape!
For me this is exciting news. I have been sick way to long, and I have missed out on to many beautiful days.

The next few months I am hoping to not only get in shape, but also work on a new painting idea that I have been thinking on for some time.

The painting will be all about a single wave spread out on the canvas. I love the ocean, and love the colors of the sea. I am hoping to create a painting that will make one feel like they are part of the wave when looking at it. I want ones soul to soar and feel not only complete freedom a wave has in movement, and expression, but also feel exuberant,and fully alive. I want one to feel ready to take on what ever might be in ones path and future. I want the person to feel as if they are inside the wave, and moving with it. Make sense?

I will be showing my work in stages like I have done in the past here on my blog. (First stage will be shone soon.) I hope you enjoy following my progress as I embark on this new experience.

Sunday, May 3, 2009

A need for solace and a place to be quiet

(Picture taken by my husband.)

Lately I have been in a meditative mood. The world seems to be taking a turn toward insanity. It is no surprise really, since the bible tells us it will. It still makes me sad to see such craziness happening in our world.

With all that is happening in our world, I have needed to become more centered. I have needed to really understand what I believe, and to stick to those beliefs.

I have also wanted to grab onto what is important in my life. To be with my family and friends. To search out those who I love, and let them know I love them. I have needed to stand with God hand and hand.

A need for solace and a place to be quiet has been a constant in my life lately. The ocean is a place I always turn to because that is where my spirit sores and I feel closest with God. Even knowing this I have had to remember that one needs to be firmly grounded in God's word.

In order to stay close with God one has to take bible in hand.

Pulling out the bible I came to Ecclesiastes today.

This book, and verse speaks to me and the times we are living.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-18(New International Version)

A Time for Everything

There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:

a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

What does the worker gain from his toil?

I have seen the burden God has laid on men.

He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end.

I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live.

That everyone may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all his toil—this is the gift of God.

I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that men will revere him.

Whatever is has already been,
and what will be has been before
and God will call the past to account.

And I saw something else under the sun:
In the place of judgment—wickedness was there,
in the place of justice—wickedness was there.

I thought in my heart,
"God will bring to judgment
both the righteous and the wicked,
for there will be a time for every activity,
a time for every deed."

Quiet Musings regarding my latest Painting.

(I never fully understood how a woman can see an image larger then they really are while looking at themselves in a mirror. I am now seeing that it is real, and it does happen. Of course I am not anorexic but I defiantly see a woman staring back at me that is not reality based.)

I have had a few comments about my latest work "Full of Beauty" from a few people who are close to me.

I asked my husband several times if I got the lady right in the picture. If i captured my real self? He always got quiet, and said the painting is beautiful. I would push and say yeah but the lady??? Did I capture myself? He would go quiet, never really wanting to answer. Probably because he has told me many times that I see something other then he does when looking at me.

After asking again the other day my husband said that I exaggerated how large I really am. He said yes I am larger then I want to be, but I painted the lady bigger than I really am. Then quickly said but the painting is beautiful!

Today I was with a good friend of mine, and she quietly told me that I am not as large or old looking as I painted myself in that painting. She felt it was a good painting, but not one that is true to who I really am. She asked me what I was using to look at when i painted myself? She wanted to know if i looked in the mirror, or had a picture as a guide during the time I was painting? When I told her I used nothing but an image in my own head, she nodded, and said ok that makes sense. She told me that image was not a true image of me.

To be completely honest my husband took a few pictures of me from behind, and when I saw them I could only look at them for a few moments, and then I shut the camera of. Wanting him to delete them right away! I hated what I saw, and felt deep sadness when regarding myself. The image I saw made me want to cry. I had so many thoughts and feelings at that moment. I truly was disgusted, and saddened that I could be so over weight. I wondered to myself how can I paint that lady?

I had to do a soul check truthfully. I had to really come to terms with what is important in life. I had to give myself a pep talk that day. One shouldn't care so much about outer appearances, it is the inner beauty that is important is what I told myself.

It took me several months to come up with enough courage to paint what I saw that day.
I never once considered that maybe I was seeing a warped image of the real me.

Isn't it interesting how we see one thing in regards to ourselves, while others see something entirely different?

I have always seen a lady who is fat and ugly in the mirror. It did not matter how thin or what weight I actually was at the time. I simply saw fat, and ugly.

I could never understand why people see me as beautiful. I would privately think to myself that the person telling me that was either crazy... or just trying to make me feel better.

I always go silent when someone says I am pretty. It confuses me truthfully. In my mind I ask who are they seeing? Because it sure as hell is not me! I have laughed at people when they say Tracy you are pretty. I say aha.. thank you, and change the subject. A few have said wait! You really are. Why can you not see that! I just stare at them blankly because I am thinking, can you not see what I see? I actually get mad because I have felt like others are lying to me just to make me feel better.

I thought when painting "Full of Beauty" it would be an experience of letting go of baggage. The baggage of gaining weight. I now see it is a reality check for me instead.

The reality is, I honestly see someone different when I look in the mirror. I had to finally come to terms with the fact maybe it is me seeing wrong, and not everyone else.

It is something to ponder on.

Very interesting indeed......