HAPPY NEW YEARS!
Monday, December 31, 2007
Sunday, December 30, 2007
Unable to think
Walking through fog
Hurts to talk
Pain shooting out everywhere
Chest pains are bad
Swollen legs, hands and stomach
Hurts to walk
Hurts to be touched
Emotions all over the place
Wanting it all to fade away
That is how i feel today.
Going back to bed.
Posted by Tracy at 9:32 AM
Friday, December 28, 2007
While sitting in prayer and just being silent, this song came to me.
I know the Lord has led me to post this song for someone out there who will be reading my blog. Its a beautiful song. It has a way of touching the soul. At times i just want to fly away myself. Maybe it was meant for me as well as for you who are reading my blog today. The Lord has a way of getting his message across.
May this song be a special blessing for those meant to hear it.
Posted by Tracy at 6:54 PM
Thursday, December 27, 2007
As i looked back at my other posts i realized i have now officially been blogging for two years.
December 21st two years ago i posted for the very first time. It is funny actually the post i chose this year on my blog that day was the B*tch song. I am Laughing because that is exactly how i am still feeling right now. Must be something in the air....
I look back at my two years of blogging and I can see how i have changed. The first year of posting was really needed in expressing my past, and all the pain i had gone through. I also had so many days of dealing with my fibromyalgia.
I felt i made some great blogger friends. I needed the support and encouragement of those friends. I also became stronger, I spoke out against people whom i felt were playing games, and even after speaking out, I survived. :)
This second year of blogging i have been less vocal. I lost some relationships, I learned that they were not friends at all, only illusions. Unhealthy ones. When i stepped back from some i could breath again, and i found again i survived it. I stood up for my beliefs, I did not back down, and i still survived. :)
I stopped blogging mostly because I became tired of exposing myself to some who wanted to use my thoughts against me, but I also found I had no real need to blog. I was ok with this.
This past year has been a time for looking with in myself with out the need of showing others that person. I learned to trust my own instincts regarding people. I learned that it was ok to let others go if they added sickness to my life. I am healthier for it. There are times when i still get fooled, and see illusions where I thought reality existed. It still makes me angry at times when I see games being played, but i learned how to stop the insanity. It is easier to pin point games and illusions whether it is from people i have met here online or off.
So now year number three is here. I am at a cross roads again. I find i do want to blog, but not like i have been. My last two blogs have been ones where i had to think carefully of what I wanted to say or show others. I held back many times in my writing because i did not want my thoughts and ideas to be attacked. Therefore not allowing who i am fully as a person to be shown.
I think a blog should be a creative release of feelings and thoughts. It should be an outlet for the person who is blogging. I want this third year to be a blog about all sides of Mysti, whether it is a nice side of me or not. I want it to be an outlet for my thoughts and ideas, one for my pain, my happiness, my hopes and my dreams. If i want to post all about Christ I should be able to do so with out wondering if that side of me will be trashed. If i want to rage and show how very human i am inside even if it is an ugly side of me i should be able to do so. I am a diverse lady if truth be told, one with many different sides.
I have finally come to the conclusion if what i write offends others, or upsets those who read my blog, I really do not care.
It is my blog, my life, and those who have a problem with it? To bad, you should just get over it........
I am not ashamed of who i am. So i am going to let loose all sides of me.
As the song goes by Meredith Brooks:
"I'm a little bit of everything all rolled into one".
You know you wouldn't want it any other way
Just when you think you've got me figured out
the season's already changing
Heres looking at a new year!
May it be one full of surprises and blessings for not only those who read my blog but for me!
"YOU KNOW I WOULDN'T WANT IT ANY OTHER WAY"
Posted by Tracy at 4:55 PM
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
Sunday, December 23, 2007
Twas the Night before Christmas Poem
Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St Nicholas soon would be there.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads.
And mamma in her ‘kerchief, and I in my cap,
Had just settled our brains for a long winter’s nap.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.
The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tinny reindeer.
With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St Nick.
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name!
"Now Dasher! now, Dancer! now, Prancer and Vixen!
On, Comet! On, Cupid! on, on Donner and Blitzen!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!"
As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky.
So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,
With the sleigh full of Toys, and St Nicholas too.
And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney St Nicholas came with a bound.
He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot.
A bundle of Toys he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a peddler, just opening his pack.
His eyes-how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow.
The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath.
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook when he laughed, like a bowlful of jelly!
He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself!
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the stockings, then turned with a jerk.
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose!
He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, ‘ere he drove out of sight,
"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night!"
Clement Clarke Moore (1779 - 1863) wrote the poem Twas the night before Christmas also called “A Visit from St. Nicholas" in 1822. It is now the tradition in many American families to read the poem every Christmas Eve. The poem Twas the night before Christmas has redefined our image of Christmas and Santa Claus. Prior to the creation of the story of Twas the night before Christmas St. Nicholas, the patron saint of children, had never been associated with a sleigh or reindeers! The author of the poem Twas the night before Christmas was a reticent man and it is believed that a family friend, Miss H. Butler, sent a copy of the poem to the New York Sentinel who published the poem. The condition of publication was that the author of Twas the night before Christmas was to remain anonymous. The first publication date was 23rd December 1823 and it was an immediate success. It was not until 1844 that Clement Clarke Moore claimed ownership when the work was included in a book of his poetry. Clement Clarke Moore came from a prominent family and his father Benjamin Moore was the Bishop of New York who was famous for officiating at the inauguration of George Washington. The tradition of reading Twas the night before Christmas poem on Christmas Eve is now a Worldwide institution.
Posted by Tracy at 7:00 PM
Friday, December 21, 2007
I know this is not a song i normally post on my blog. I am posting it though for a friend who is having a hard time this Christmas. I want to show her I have had similar problems this year.
I have been playing this song over and over.
It is not a polite song, but it is who i am deep down right now.(do not tell me i am not please) I am human. "Very human". I have my ups and downs like anyone else, and sometimes that shows in a not so nice way.
I am angry for some reason at times this year. I have this energy that wants to break free. The anger shows.
It is ok.
I accept I am not perfect. I accept that I am human.
I also accept Jesus in my heart.
If this song offends you, ok....... I understand.
I am still playing it. Be warned, do not listen if you offend easy.
Posted by Tracy at 7:35 PM
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Posted by Tracy at 7:40 PM
Thursday, December 6, 2007
Christmas is such a special time of the year for me and my family. It's a time to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ.
In my home decorations are put out right after Thanksgiving. The other day while out driving at night i noticed most every house was lit up with very festive Christmas lights, and yards were decorated proudly, showing Americas love for Christmas. Yet if you go into most of the main stores here in America one is not to say the words Merry Christmas! The politically correct thing to say now is Happy Holidays or Seasons Greetings. In fact if you say Merry Christmas to the cashier or check out person you will most likely hear silence.
My sons are in school and it is that time of year when school plays are being put on.
When i was a child, my parents came to watch our school plays about the birth of Jesus, and hear us sing proudly the songs well remembered by many. We sang Joy to the World, Silent night, and "We Wish You a Merry Christmas!" Now the programs that are put on by our schools, none of those songs will be heard, and one will not see a play about the birth of Jesus. How sad is that?
According to an article posted by the ADF:
ADF announced November 15, 2006, that it has more than 950 allied attorneys available nationwide to combat any improper attempts to censor the celebration of Christmas in schools and on public property. A request for legal representation is available online:
The angels proclaimed His name and so can we:
An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. But the angel said to them, "Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord. This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger." Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying, "Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to men on whom his favor rests." When the angels had left them and gone into heaven, the shepherds said to one another, "Let's go to Bethlehem and see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has told us about." (Luke 2: 9-15)
Federal law proclaims "Christmas Day, December 25." 5 U.S.C. § 6103. Even judges know it:
The fact that § 6103 may accommodate Christians who wish to engage in religious celebrations of Jesus Christ's birth does not mean that the holiday has an impermissible religious effect. The Supreme Court forcefully has stated "when the state … cooperates with religious authorities by adjusting the schedule of public events to sectarian needs, it follows the best of our traditions. Ganulin v United States, 71 F Supp 2d 824, 836 (S.D. Ohio 1999) (citing Zorach v. Clauson, 343 U.S. 306, 313-14 (1952); aff'd, 2000 U.S. App. LEXIS 33889 (U.S. App. LEXIS 6th Cir. 2000); cert. denied, 532 US 973 (2001).
"Frankly, it's ridiculous that Americans have to think twice about whether it's okay to say 'Merry Christmas,'" said ADF President Alan Sears. "Thanks to the ACLU and its allies, Christmas isn't what it used to be. It's time to repair the damage that such organizations have done to America's favorite holiday. An overwhelming majority of Americans oppose censoring Christmas."
According to recent polls:
* 95 percent of Americans celebrate Christmas (Fox News/Opinion Dynamics, 2005).
* 90 percent of Americans recognize Christmas as the birthday of Jesus Christ (Gallup, 2000).
* 88 percent of Americans say it is okay for people to wish others "Merry Christmas," and the majority of Americans are more likely to wish someone they just met "Merry Christmas" rather than "Happy Holidays" (CNN/USA Today/Gallup, 2004).
* 87 percent of Americans believe nativity scenes should be allowed on public property (Fox News/Opinion Dynamics, 2003).
The purpose of the joint Christmas project is to clear up misconceptions about seasonal religious expression on public property:
* The U.S. Supreme Court has never ruled that public schools must ban the singing of religious Christmas carols or prohibit the distribution of candy canes or Christmas cards.
* School officials do not violate the Constitution by closing on religious holidays such as Christmas and Good Friday.
* School officials are not legally obligated to recognize all other religious holidays simply because they officially recognize Thanksgiving or Christmas.
* School officials may use "Christmas Vacation" to refer to the December holiday break without offending the Constitution.
* Government-sponsored Christmas displays are not banned as some people believe. When faced with the question of whether a Christmas display is constitutional, a court simply asks, "Is the government celebrating the holiday or promoting religion?
It is time for Christians to take back Christmas.
Posted by Tracy at 7:04 AM
Monday, November 19, 2007
An Inspirational Poem
By Author Unknown
Be thankful that you don't already have everything you desire.
If you did, what would there be to look forward to?
Be thankful when you don't know something,
for it gives you the opportunity to learn.
Be thankful for the difficult times.
During those times you grow.
Be thankful for your limitations,
because they give you opportunities for improvement.
Be thankful for each new challenge,
because it will build your strength and character.
Be thankful for your mistakes. They will teach you valuable lessons.
Be thankful when you're tired and weary,
because it means you've made a difference.
It's easy to be thankful for the good things.
A life of rich fulfillment comes to those who
are also thankful for the setbacks.
Gratitude can turn a negative into a positive.
Find a way to be thankful for your troubles,
and they can become your blessings.
Posted by Tracy at 9:46 PM
Monday, November 5, 2007
Here is the finished wall mural. I decided against adding the tree. When i added the marsh grass, and the back ground trees, it felt done. Laughs and I was afraid of messing it up!
I think i am going to name the mural Marsh Dreams.
Please feel free to share your thoughts regarding this painting. :)
Posted by Tracy at 9:38 AM
Saturday, November 3, 2007
I needed a few days before I could write about Mage. My heart hurt to much to do so before now.
I met Mage through my blogger friend Raine. Mage and I instantly hit it off in chat on msn. He did not comment very often on my blog, but in chat he would tell me he read my blog, and always had a kind word of advice or encouragement to give me.
He felt I was not doing as much with my paintings as I should be. He told me he loved my work, and felt I should be selling my paintings. He shared with me how he had collected art over his life time, and expressed that my work should be valued and not discounted. He truly loved a painting with soul and feeling.
Mage aka Mark to his friends had a wonderful blog. His blog spoke from the heart. He was a man of passion, and he had a wonderful way of expressing his feelings. He spoke of his struggles with being bipolar. I know that he was an encouragement to many with the illness. He told me one day that if he just helped one person who suffered with the illness then he would be happy knowing he had made a difference.
Even though I am not bipolar, he did help me in many ways. He helped me in gaining courage within myself, and he helped me gain confidence in who I am as a person. He knew this because I did share with him how his words of encouragement had helped me. He inspired me to continue painting, and not worry what others might think of my work.
I am only sorry I did not get to talk with him one last time, and let him know what a wonderful man he was.
Mark you will be missed. You will not be forgotten. Your words of encouragement and love for your family and friends will live on in each person you have touched.
***One day last summer i was chatting with Mark, it was a very hot and humid day. I had told him i was headed toward the beach. He asked me to walk in the water for him also please so we both could cool off! :) The photo above is from the beach in our area taken by my husband one morning. I am posting it in Memory of Mark.
Mark my friend, I will be taking another walk soon along the shore, and you will be in my thoughts!
Posted by Tracy at 9:39 AM
Thursday, November 1, 2007
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Here is the second phase for my wall mural. I added the red moon, plus some red highlights to the clouds, and water. When you add one color to a painting one should also add it somewhere else in the painting. It helps the eye see the whole painting. I decided to add a reflection to the water with the red color.
I also added an egret to the painting. The next stage is to add marsh grass as well as a tree alongside the outer part of the painting. I am hoping the tree will almost be a frame for the painting. :)
**Remember to click on the picture to see a larger view.**
Please feel free to give me your thoughts regarding my latest work. It is a way for me to grow and improve my art! I value each response. In the past all your comments have helped me view my own work through others eyes!
I will continue to show my progress!
Posted by Tracy at 6:48 AM
Sunday, October 21, 2007
A few of you have expressed interest in my latest paintings. I hope you enjoy!
Painting 1 : Name Angel thoughts
This is the first stage of this painting. First layer in the background. I had an image in my mind, and was just trying to lay it out. I was focusing on movement, and shapes. The painting should draw you in, and make one feel like they are looking at a special secret. Click on the pictures and you will see a larger image enabling you to view it much closer.
Second stage in my painting of Angel thoughts.
Here i am adding more colors, and depth to the painting. I was also focusing on keeping the movement in the painting, and mystery.
When starting this painting, I saw an image of an angel that was tired, and feeling very exposed to everyone. Needing to hide, but only finding one place of solace. She sits deep in thought against a cross, or tree? :) She rests for awhile, in hopes that she gets her strength back. Deep in thought and prayer she rests. I really wanted a person when viewing this to feel like they are witnessing something that was not meant to be seen. :) I am not sure if I am accomplishing this, but I certainly am trying.
Mural Painting stage one.
This is the first phase in my mural painting. I am still thinking of a name. This mural is on the wall in my dinning room. I will be working on the second phase today i am hoping. You can see the outline of an egret that I am going to add to the mural. An egret is a bird here in our area. I love how they look. They have long legs, and are gorgeous to watch when in flight. As you see it is set at night. The moon will be a burnt red orange color. During our summers we actually see red moons. It is always something magical in my mind when the moon appears red. I will be adding a cypress tree along one side of the painting, and it will almost hug the mural. Marsh grass will also be added. :)
Let me know what you think so far of both of the paintings! I am always interested in comments and thoughts regarding my work.
Posted by Tracy at 8:48 AM
Sunday, October 14, 2007
Why does this song have such a hold on me? No other song during my life has touched me as deeply or fully as this one. I love spiritual music,In fact several spiritual songs touch me deeply, yet it is this one, (not a spiritual song)Drift away that keeps me enthralled.
I know why, I think. I relate with it in a way that touches not only my soul, but my past life. I so want to drift away at times. Pretend all in my past can just float away, or slowly fades away. I also feel a sense of needing to go home. :)
I am not dwelling on my past, but it is who I am as a whole. Funny thing about this song, is when I was with all my brothers , sisters, nieces, nephews, and father, they to were touched by the song. It holds a connection for my family i think. The words of the song. We all relate to it, no matter the age or gender of my family. We all knew the words, and we all sang loudly and danced when we heard this song. We all connected, and peace overcame my family.
Maybe it is because we all get confused by our actions, but we all look for the light? We all move forward no matter the pain, or junk in our lives.
We all want the pain to be taken away, and to all drift away.
WE all are touched and soothed through music.
I believe in my family.
Love, Family, music and truth........
Posted by Tracy at 9:22 PM
Saturday, October 13, 2007
Two roads , one choice.
Two roads, one light, one dark.
I took the one that led to the light.
The other road was so very tempting,
but I knew in my heart that it would not be right.
As i took the road that led to the light,
my soul felt so free, and happiness replaced all else.
Even though many times the dark road seemed so tempting,
Only one thing waits for those that choose to take it.
Pain, heartache, and an emptiness that overwhelms you.
Instead I choose today the road to the light,
Even if at times the road is less traveled.
Happiness, peace, and love overcome ones soul.
So now I take that first step down that road full of light.
In hopes that someday those I love shall meet me at the end of the road.
Poem written by me: TJT
***This poem will be the start of a new painting. Another dream made into a poem and soon a painting will follow . :)
Posted by Tracy at 6:23 PM
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
I am still around.
Why am I posting this song? Just because i was in the mood to do so.
That is how my world is going, how's yours?
I will try to catch everyone up when I am able.
Posted by Tracy at 6:20 AM
Monday, September 10, 2007
Allow Your Own Inner Light to Guide You
There comes a time when you must stand alone.
You must feel confident enough within yourself to follow your own dreams.
You must be willing to make sacrifices.
You must be capable of changing and rearranging your priorities so that your final goal can be achieved.
Sometimes, familiarity and comfort need to be challenged.
There are times when you must take a few extra chances and create your own realities.
Be strong enough to at least try to make your life better.
Be confident enough that you won't settle for a compromise just to get by.
Appreciate yourself by allowing yourself the opportunities to grow, develop, and find your true sense of purpose in this life.
Don't stand in someone else's shadow when it's your sunlight that should lead the way.
Posted by Tracy at 6:59 AM
Monday, August 27, 2007
I am in my new home!
Lots of changes, lots of chaos at times, and lots of excitement is happening within our home right now.
I just wanted to drop a quick note saying that I am finally back online! I am still pretty busy with trying to get my sons into school. My moods are up and down as always, but mostly they are up I think. :) My health has been pretty nasty, but nothing new in that area , seems to be my life, and I am trying hard to learn to live with it.
I went back to church. It is the first time in a very long time. It was a service that spoke to my heart. I felt like the message was meant for me. Strange how that happens. I did not plan to go to church yesterday. I never thought I would be able to go back. To much damage was done during the time i was brain washed. I could not get the words out of my head from that time.
I went yesterday not because I woke up and said today is the day. It was a last minute decision. I felt pulled in going. I went to breakfast with one of my good friends here, and she needed me to drop her off at church. We pulled up at the church, and I felt such a need to go in and hear what message would be preached. It was a pulling inside of me that I could not refuse. I came out of church feeling changed.
The service message was about Grace. It was a message I needed to hear.
It is time to make some changes in my life. Hopefully they will be positive ones.
This song I am posting is where I am tonight emotionally. It is all about Grace. The message I received is this very same one.
This song is also very important, very significant for me, because I have not listened to music from "Third Day" since i was brain washed five years ago.The music from Thrid day was given to me from the man who was trying to brainwash me.
How blessed it is to finally reclaim my life and soul back.
IT is about time. I am back!
Let me introduce myself. I am known as Mysti here on my blog. I am a wife, a mother, a daughter a sister as well as a good friend to a select few. I am a talented artist, a loving person and someone with a lot of empathy and compassion.
I am a lady who is not perfect, never have I claimed to be. I sin like everyone else on earth, but I am blessed because I have God's Love and Grace in my life.
First and foremost I am God's Child, and I am back!
Hugs and blessings to all.
Posted by Tracy at 8:50 PM
Thursday, August 9, 2007
I always loved the music from Celtic woman. I waited all day for the perfect song to touch my soul. This song was meant for my day. I hope you enjoy hearing it as much as I have.
Lean back in your chair, turn off all other noise, close your eyes, and listen carefully to the words. Take a deep breath, relax and let the music fill your soul.
The name of the song? The Voice
Posted by Tracy at 9:02 PM
Thank you to those who commented on my last post. I was just in a low moment in my life, and decided to blog about it. I am doing much better now, and in a huge way by writing what I did, it was a great release for me, and i feel calmer and have a sense of well being now about past issues.
I am very blessed to have a few really good people in my life. Online and off. I have decided to be very choosy about who I share my thoughts and ideas with. I learned the hard way a couple times over that in the wrong hands they will be twisted and used in an evil manner. My thoughts and ideas are very precious, and like anything precious one should guard that with vigilance. One should only share precious things with those that will handle them carefully and with respect.
I have come a long way in the last few years. I am stronger, more confident, and yes as hope said in her comment last I have learned to love who I am as a person. I love me. Yes I have stumbled here and there, but i have learned that the fall is not as hard or as long now. I am good at picking myself back up brushing the dirt off me and continuing down the path meant for me with only a minor scratch and bruise.
Those chains that still hold me down i see the links are weaker, and i know I will break free from them soon. :) I will be set free from those chains in Gods time not mine. :)Sometimes I get impatient and want the process of healing to be done. In time i will be there. :)
Blogging is great, i will continue to blog, but I am going to be careful in what I say or what I share in my blog.
Thank you again to the few bloggers and friends who have been very much a support in my life.
Yesterday while sitting in my new home looking at the gorgeous work my husband has done, I felt such happiness. My husband and I still have a lot of work yet to do, but this home is ours, built with a lot of love and joy. My husband started working on the entry way floor. I love how it is turning out. Thought I would share with you a picture of the progress in that area.
I will not be on line for the next few weeks. Internet will not be hooked up at the house until sometime next week. I am also going to be very busy unpacking, sorting, and deciding where everything goes.
My Prayer for the day :
O God who brought me from the rest of last night
To the new light of this day
Bring me in the new light of this day
To the guiding light of the eternal.
Lead me O God on the journey of justice
Guide me O God on the pathways of peace
Renew me O God by the well springs of grace
Today, tonight and forever.
Posted by Tracy at 7:58 AM
Sunday, August 5, 2007
I have been thinking long and hard about shutting down my blog. I almost did so today then I read my friend Tarts blog, and had second thoughts.
I still have a strong urge to stop blogging. I have lost most of my readers anyway because I hardly ever write here any longer. My reasons for not blogging are pretty simple. I was taught long ago that If I have nothing nice to say, then do not say anything at all.
The past year I have struggled with not only fibro issues, but emotional ones. I took a class last year regarding getting over ones past. Funny instead of it helping me do that, it sent me flying right back into my own past! Flashbacks, memories of wanting to kill myself, and in general a huge feeling of shame has taken over my thoughts.
I went into a mode of feeling like I should be punished for all the awful things in my past. I know that I have been forgiven. I am forgiven by all involved, and most importantly Jesus. I however struggle with forgiving myself. I have spent years working on a past that no longer matters. It however has held me bound.
I at times feel like a lady with all these heavy chains keeping me in one place, the past. Honestly speaking the chains have slowly been dropping from my soul. I still am chained down in some areas. I struggle daily to break free.
Recently I have been set free from the whole brainwashing time in my life. One huge chain i broke free from. What a relief.
Other chains however hold me in place. Ones of my growing up years, ones of rape, abuse, and heartache hold me in place. I know, most of you will say , Omg mysti just let it go. Just get over it!
I have been told that all my life, and if I could let my past go I would.
Omg believe me I would. I do not like holding on to those times in my past. It's more like they are holding on to me. I find myself wrapped up in my own thoughts and most times my own little world. Keeping my thoughts and feelings all locked up, because to share them with others opens myself to judgement. Trust me I judge myself enough for everyone.
I am not saying everyone judges me. I still have a few in my life that I can show my soul to, and those few special loved ones do not judge me. I have others though who I opened up fully to and in the end they used my words, my own feelings of guilt against me. Or worse yet, those who I totally loved, and thought felt the same way about me, just dropped me with out a second thought. A couple did that to me this year. The crazy thing is, I still mourn the loss of their friendship.
I do open up to others. I have opened up my soul to others. I show the real me, and I can name on one hand the ones who do not hold judgment and never will. However the others I told and who they said they would not judge, did so in the end and they added more chains that I need to try to break free from. So I shut down. I put up higher walls of protection, and refuse to show who I am to too many people.
Doing this however has brought me to a place where I feel alone. Part of me says good! No one to judge me, no one laughing at me, or rolling their eyes at me in frustration and amazement that one lady can be so foolish. The other side of me says hmmm not good, you lost most of your friends, and the love that can also be given from those who will not judge you.
I have slowly but surly pushed everyone away, leaving me in a place that i am not so sure is a good place to be.
For some reason today i decided to write down these thoughts. For some reason I read one friends blog and thought do not give up on your own blog. Part of me thinks why bother anymore? Part of me knows that a few loyal blogger friends of mine have not given up on me. Part of me also knows that I am actually pushing even those blogger friends away, and they wont hold on forever.
So I am going to try harder at opening up, and showing the true me to those few who actually care.
With that I am off.
Posted by Tracy at 10:07 AM
Saturday, August 4, 2007
The Rain-Thomas Kinkaid
Stop at the picture for a second, and watch the Rain... then read on...
One rainy afternoon I was driving along one of the main streets of town, taking those extra precautions necessary when the roads are wet and slick.
Suddenly, my daughter, Aspen , spoke up from her relaxed position in her seat. "Dad, I'm thinking of something."
This announcement usually meant she had been pondering some fact for a while, and was now ready to expound all that her six-year-old mind had discovered. I was eager to hear.
"What are you thinking?" I asked.
"The rain!" she began, "is like sin, and the windshield wipers are like God wiping our sins away."
After the chill bumps raced up my arms I was able to respond. "That's really good, Aspen."
Then my curiosity broke in. How far would this little girl take this revelation? So I asked....
"Do you notice how the rain keeps on coming? What does that tell you?"
Aspen didn't hesitate one moment with her answer: "We keep on sinning, and God just keeps on forgiving us."
I will always remember this whenever I turn my wipers on.
In order to see the Rainbow, you must first endure some Rain.
Hope the water flows when you get the picture
READ THE FIRST LINE CAREFULLY.
If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.
Happy moments, praise God.
Difficult moments, seek God.
Quiet moments, worship God.
Painful moments, trust God.
Every moment, thank God.
Posted by Tracy at 3:03 PM
Monday, July 30, 2007
Hubby and my youngest son just got done putting in our great room floor! How Gorgeous it turned out. I am so thrilled. We can now move the furniture into the room. Yayyy. The fireplace still needs to be done, and we have trim work to add, but the room is livable.
I shall show more pictures when I can.
Posted by Tracy at 2:51 PM
Friday, July 27, 2007
Posted by Tracy at 3:59 PM
Friday, July 20, 2007
Things have been crazy insane of late for me and my family. WE got the okay to move into our house!!! So I am busy packing while hubby does a few other things that we want done before we live in the house. The house will not be done for months to come, but it is at a point where we have one main bathroom working, the upstair bedroom floors are all done, and we have a working kitchen. (Even if the counter tops are not done.) That is all we need really to be somewhat comfortable. (Better then camping!)
It will be so wonderful to be in the house. Hubby has been working in the evenings on the house, at least we will be together while he is doing that. I can also start the murals in the house. :)
On another note:
I was looking around on the web for something positive to post, and found these interludes on life. I found it very true. It is how I like to live my life, and what I wish for all you blogger friends of mine as well as for all my friends and loved ones!
24 Interludes of Life
1. Don't go for looks, they can deceive. Don't go for wealth even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you smile.
2. There are moments in life when you really miss someone that you want to pick them up from your dreams and hug them. Hope you dream of that someone.
3. Dream what you want to dream, go where you want to go, be what you want to be, because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you want in life.
4. May you have...Enough happiness to make you sweet
Enough trials to make you strong
Enough sorrow to keep you human
Enough hope to make you happy
And enough money to keep you comfortable.
5. When one door of happiness closes, another opens. But we often took so long at the closed door, that we don't see the one which has been opened for us.
6. The best kind of friend is the one you could sit on a porch, swing with, never saying a word and then walk away feeling like that was the best conversation you've had.
7. It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.
8. Always put yourself in other's shoes. If you feel that it hurts you, it probably does hurt the person too.
9. A careless word may kindle a strife;
A cruel word may wreck a life
A timely word may level stress
A lovely word may heal and bless.
10. The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves and not to twist them with our own image, otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them.
11. The happiest people don't necessarily have the best of everything, they just make the most of everything that comes along the way.
12. Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one so that when we finally meet the right person, we should know how to be grateful for that gift.
13. It takes a minute to have a crush on someone, an hour to like someone and a day to love someone, but it takes a lifetime to forget someone.
14. Happiness lies for those who cry, those who hurt, those who have searched and those who have tried. For only they can appreciate the importance of people who have touched their lives.
15. Love is when you take away the feeling, the passion, the romance and find out you still care for that person.
16. A sad thing about life is that when you meet someone who means a lot to you only to find out in the end that it was never bound to be and you just have to let go.
17. Love starts with a smile, develops with a kiss and ends with a tear.
18. Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they've been betrayed, need to love those who still love, even though they've been hurt before.
19. It hurts to love someone, and not to be loved in return but what is most painful is to love someone and never finds the courage to let the person know how you feel.
20. The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past. You can't go on well in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.
21. Never say goodbye when you still want to try;
Never give up when you still feel you can take it;
Never say you don't love that person anymore when you can't let go.
22. Giving someone all your love is never an assurance that they'll love you back. Don't expect love in return, just wait for it to grow in their hearts but if it doesn't, be content it grew in yours.
23. There are things you love to hear but you would never hear it from the person whom you would like to hear it from, but don't be deaf to hear it from the person who says it with his heart.
24. When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. Live your life to the fullest so that when you die, you're smiling and everyone
around you is crying.
Posted by Tracy at 7:36 AM
Saturday, July 7, 2007
Here we are a year later after starting the building of our new house. It has taken a lot of hard work, sweat, and long lonely hours of seperation between my husband and I to build this house. WE still have so much more to do before we can actually move in. I know it will be well worth building this home, but I am soooooo looking forward to it being done!
Even though these are not the latest pictures of the progress on our house, they are pictures you all have not seen. Since taking the pictures, the kitchen island is in, and the upstairs main bath is almost done.
The first pictures are of the kitchen. I am thrilled with how it is coming out. Besides the island being put in, the double ovens, dishwasher, refrigerator and microwave have all been installed. They also all work! Yayyyyyyy
Next is of the lighting that is in the entry way . I am so excited about these lights. I knew what I wanted for lighting, and searched all over the web to find the perfect lights for us! I want the inside of our home to have the feel of a log cabin. Very cozy , comfy, and welcoming! I am going to be filling our home with handmade quilts and my very own paintings of animals and woods.
The last picture is of the master bedroom. This room I am hoping will be our very first grown up bedroom! You ladies know what I mean when I say this. I want a very nice bedroom, one that we will want to be in. Not one where you look around and see hubbies junk is piled up on the dresser and in the corners. No bikes, tools, or office things allowed in this bedroom! laughing.
Hubby will take more pictures soon. He has just been so busy between building and work!
Posted by Tracy at 7:25 AM
Saturday, June 30, 2007
I have been tagged by JIP from http://lifespacings.blogspot.com/
The tag appears rather simple, yet it is not really. One is to write 5 things they dig about Jesus, which most who read my blog would say whats so hard about that Mysti? You love Jesus, your blog revolves around Jesus, why in the world would you have trouble doing this? It is a good question. Naming five things seems hard for me because we are talking about a part of my soul. A part that just is.
This topic is such a close subject to my heart. Jesus is a part of who I am.
My faith in Jesus seems to always have been there. From a very small girl I remember feeling his presence. It was just a knowing deep in my soul that Jesus was always with me. I would actually talk with him when no one was looking. As a young girl I would look at the reflection in a window, or mirror and talk to Jesus, telling him my fears and dreams. I never expected to hear a voice talk back to me out loud, but I would hear his voice in my mind. I would hear answers to my questions, or feel comfort to my fears.
If not for my deep down faith in Jesus I would not be alive now. There have been times in my life when I have not wanted to live and this feeling and presence of Jesus has always kept me from harming myself. Knowing that he was with me, and no matter how bad I felt or how bad the situation was he would guide me through it kept and keeps me alive.
I do not believe in Jesus because of what is written in the bible, nor because some one told me he died for my sins therefore making me saved. I do not believe in Jesus because people have guided me to him or because I went to church. My deep down faith in him is because I "feel" him with me. A genuine knowing deep in my soul that he is real.
He has always just been with me.
Years later when I was guided to church, and then heard about the wonderful sacrifice he made for all people, I thought YES. He is real. I then read about the sacrifice he made for me. I read how no matter how awful a person one was, they were forgiven if they repented and asked him into their life. I never felt a need to ask him into my life, because he was already with me. I felt blessed, and confused, because I wondered why he was always just with me? I later accepted he just was. Maybe he has been with me from the start because I have always needed his protection, love and him guiding me. Maybe I pulled him to my life because I have always felt afraid? Afraid that I can not make it in this world with out him? Which is very true. I still feel that way. If Jesus left my life I would then be so totally lost and afraid.
So what are the 5 things I dig about Jesus?
1. He gives me total and complete love. No matter how awful I feel he is with me.
2. He died for my sins. An act of love so great it brings tears to my eyes.
3. I am never alone as long as Jesus is with me.
4. He completes my life.
5. Everyone can have him in their life. He is not only with me, he is with everyone who asks him into their souls.
Now I am to pick five people to do this.
1. Wight Wing Wadical
2. Adventures of a Jungle Tart
3. Misty from "Thoughts, Emotion and Balance - Can We Have It All?"
5 things we dig about Jesus.
Posted by Tracy at 5:59 AM
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
|Your Brain is Blue|
Of all the brain types, yours is the most mellow.
You tend to be in a meditative state most of the time. You don't try to think away your troubles.
Your thoughts are realistic, fresh, and honest. You truly see things as how they are.
You tend to spend a lot of time thinking about your friends, your surroundings, and your life.
Got this from my blogger friend Dr.Debs site. I had fun taking the test. Pretty accurate as always. :)
Posted by Tracy at 4:21 PM
Sunday, June 17, 2007
Happy Fathers day to all the many dads out there!
This Post is dedicated to my own father.
Today I am remembering some of the wonderful things about my dad.
I grew up with a father who was the fun dad on the street. All my friends called him dad. They all would come into our house and see my father and say HI Dad, and give him a huge hug.
He was the dad that always took my friends and I where ever we needed to go. My father had a soft spot in his heart for his girls. Many times we would ask for money and he would give us the last dime out of his pocket. ( he still will do this.)
As a child I grew up with all the Johnny Cash songs. To this day when my brothers and sisters hear his songs we all smile and think of our father. My father I am sure related to these songs because he himself was and is a bit of a rebel. Laughing. While growing up he loved telling us stories of all his close escapes with something, or someone or another. My father has always lived fully. He is a man of many passions, and a man loved by many, including his children.
This morning while looking for the perfect song to play for him my own husband started laughing. I asked him why? He said because you are soooooo happy right now. You are really enjoying yourself. I was singing and dancing and clapping my hands. My heart got light while listening to all of Johnny's songs. I must have been just as happy and doing the same thing as a child while with my father. All of Johnny Cash's songs bring a huge smile to my face. Not because I love Johnny Cash so much but because I think of my father!
I had a hard time trying to decide which song to post. All of them are mostly about Prison and hard times. Laughs. Most of them are truly about being a rebel. In Cash's later years he discovered Jesus. I am not posting any of those songs because this is about my memories of my dad. Growing up the songs were not about Jesus but was all about the rebel in Johnny Cash. :)
I love you Dad! Hope this day and this song brings you much joy and happiness.
Posted by Tracy at 8:40 AM
Saturday, June 16, 2007
To my friends Michel and Caline. I had already shared this with you. I wanted to leave you a forever reminder though. Times might be tough my friends right now, but they always pass. Just stay patient, and please know you both are never alone. Love to you both!
You both know who you are! Hugs my friends.
Posted by Tracy at 2:13 PM
Thursday, June 14, 2007
I am much better truthfully. I get my feelings hurt yes. I tend to get ticked off when my words are taken wrong, and I totally take everything to heart. Once I calm down though I forgive and forget in most cases.
I however will not forgive over and over again if someone is messing with me.
I give my thoughts and share who I am with others freely. I in most cases talk straight from the heart. Some say this is crazy. Why trust and why show ones soul? I think why not? How many people have missed out on love, friendship and happiness because they closed off their souls?
I give, share, and love freely. I always have. It is who I am.
I am old enough to know that this will never change.
It is okay.
People like me because of who I am.
Those that love me would not want me to change.
I tend to speak from the heart. To do anything else would not be me.
I am not perfect, and I never claimed to be.
I make mistakes like everyone else.
I however give deeply, feel deeply, and love deeply.
To do anything else in life would be a waste.
These thoughts might seem to simple to some. Some will say because of who I am I make myself vulnerable, and deserve the pain when someone plays games with me, or mess with me.
Some will say Mysti you are a fool.
I think one is only a fool when they miss out on life.
Posted by Tracy at 6:47 PM
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Ever feel like no matter how good your intentions are, your motives are taken wrong?
Ever feel like when you are your most honest , others see you as being dishonest?
Ever feel like no matter how hard you try in life nothing you do is good enough?
Ever feel like you should just shut up because everything that comes out of your mouth is wrong?
Ever feel like giving up?
Ever feel like it is time to say stop!
This is how I feel today.
Do not worry, I will most likely be back tomorrow to try again.
Never truly giving up.............Just today I am.
On a side note: Why do I care what others think?
Why does it matter so much?
Why in the world can I not tell others to leave me the freak alone?
Maybe something is wrong with me, because I care to much.
Posted by Tracy at 8:39 PM
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
I know I have disappeared from not only blogger, but from most of my friends in general. I have done so for many reasons. I have had many health issues of late to deal with. Problems that have brought me to a halt in most areas of my life. I have not wanted to talk about any of my health issues because it is all the same ole same ole issues. My way of dealing with the pain has been to disappear into a game online. The game has brought me a sense of being able to do things that I could not do for real. I know some do not understand. I do not think one really can unless you are dealing with chronic health issues.
Another way of dealing was just pretending all was fine in my life. I tend to do that when I am really really hurting. ignoring problems tend to come easy for me. Maybe it is because I have had problems all my life. If you do not focus on the problems then you do not have to deal. :) I have been doing just that.
I have been slowly feeling better. I feel like I am just now coming out of the fog, and seeing light again. Just in time too! We are moving into our house soon. I have to deal with packing and moving, and unpacking! I will try and keep everyone updated.
Thank you to those who have not given up on me. Thanks for still caring enough to pull up my blog and see if I posted anything.
This poem is for those of you who have not given up on me, and those of you who still come to my blog to read my thoughts. You know who you are!
God must have know there would be times we'd need a word of cheer,
Someone to praise a triumph or brush away a tear.
He must have known we'd need to share the joy of "little things"
In order to appreciate the happiness life brings.
I think He knew our troubled hearts would sometimes throb with pain,
At trials and misfortunes, or goals we can't attain.
He knew we'd need the comfort of an understanding heart
To give us strength and courage to make a fresh, new start.
He knew we'd need companionship, unselfish....lasting....true,
And so God answered the heart's great need with Cherished Friends....like you!!
Posted by Tracy at 9:26 PM
Friday, May 25, 2007
I posted this before in my old blog. It is worth posting again. I needed the reminder. :)
I am in the present - the now.
All is perfect, whole and balanced.
I will not believe in old limitations and lacks.
I will not judge, but accept and understand.
I will be as I was created to be perfect and whole.
Free of the past, it has no control, only to learn from it.
I open myself to the wisdom, that is part of that which created me,
and is part of me, and within me.
I move on the new - forward to release old patterns.
The more resentment I release, the more I can receive and give love.
I will love all as I wish to be loved.
I must see myself as an individual, unique and special.
All my experiences have formed the facets of the special jewel,
like no other, which is myself.
To see myself as Soul and this body only as a vehicle for this world.
For I am part of the creator and the energy, that I came from.
Every day I can be what I choose and think thoughts,
that will create what I choose.
I will allow all to be, what they choose.
I shall be balanced in all I do.
I will not be a victim of circumstances or others standards.
But the master of my destiny.
I will be whole.
I will achieve the greatness that
Posted by Tracy at 6:47 PM
Sunday, May 20, 2007
My Dear Child,
You know you are not of this world, you've been bought with a price.
Jesus paid your ransom. He cannot pay it twice.
The ultimate sacrifice was made that you might live.
He took your sin upon Himself; I've nothing more to give.
You are a very special child, one I really treasure..
Why do you turn away from me to follow worldly pleasure?
You once received my gift by faith. It turned your life around.
From darkness into light you walked; My welcome there you found.
I've called you to be a soldier. Like Paul, fight the good fight.
For you will only know My best, when you do what is right.
Don't look at other Christian's lives, and think, "they do it too".
Each one must answer for himself, and now I'm asking you.
My Spirit once shone from your eyes, before sin took it's toll.
When you still had your innocence, and My will was your goal.
Remember when you were so filled with joy from loving me?
Now you've found a counterfeit and lost your liberty.
Oh, foolish one, you've been deceived. What a man sows, he'll reap.
The one who listens to Satan, Satan will try to keep.
He comes as an angel of light enticing those who are weak.
Promising love and life and wealth; whatever it is you seek.
I set you free from bondage once. I'll set you free again.
But, choose My way; faith doesn't work for double minded men.
Don't let the devil claim your soul, your spirit or your mind.
Resist him, he will flee from you. My power you will find.
I've given you authority and power over sin.
The devil is your enemy; but, I want you to win.
I called you out of darkness; brought you to the light;
With My Holy Spirit you may walk by faith, not sight.
You were fashioned to be mine. Even before your birth,
I planned a life of service for you to live on earth.
You are my chosen vessel. Why will you live in shame?
Use the power I have given you. That power's in Jesus name.
With utmost love,
Your Heavenly Father
Posted by Tracy at 8:49 PM
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
Latest pictures of house building.
Here are some of the latest pictures taken of our house. My husband has worked very hard making a beautiful home for us. He installed the plumbing, electrical and has been painting and putting wood up on our ceiling in our great room. He also has started installing kitchen cabinets. Its coming along beautifully. I am thrilled!
Take special notice of the doorways. He made them to match the great room window! He also has hand built the front porch railings! Very detailed work I might add. :)
Posted by Tracy at 10:09 AM
Monday, May 14, 2007
I know I have not done much writing of late. I have thought many times I should just write what is happening in my life. Words just do not seem to be coming to me of late.
I do not want the only thing written in my blog to be negative. All who read my blog know already about my health issues, and many of you already know about my emotional ones. They are the same. Never ending. So instead of repeating myself over and over I have just decided not to write.
I have thought about just ending my blog. I have not done so because I am hoping that I will just wake one day, and things will be much better regarding my health and emotional issues.
I know I am blessed. I know that there are people in this world with problems much greater then mine. It makes me feel guilty to write about my problems when things could be much worse. This is why you have not heard from me.
Thank you to those who have not given up on me, and who still come to my blog hoping to know how I am. This post is for you.
When things go wrong, as they sometimes will
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill
When the funds are low and the debts are high
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh
When care is pressing you down a bit
Rest if you must, but don't you quit.
Life is queer with its twists and turns
As every one of us sometimes learns
And many a fellow turns about
When he might have won, had he stuck it out.
Don't give up though the pace seems slow
You may succeed with another blow.
Often the goal is nearer than
It seems to a faint and faltering man;
Often the struggler has given up
When he might have captured the victor's cup;
And he learned too late when the night came down
How close he was to the golden crown.
Success is failure turned inside out
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt
And you never can tell how close you are
It may be near when it seems afar;
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit
It's when things seem worst that you mustn't quit.
Posted by Tracy at 7:19 AM
Sunday, April 29, 2007
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
Posted by Tracy at 7:19 AM