Tuesday, May 29, 2012

A new Season in my life

I have not posted here in so long that it is hard to sit and write down ones thoughts again.  I started blogging years ago because my counselor thought it would be a good form of healing for me, and it was.  I used to pour out my soul here, and i found it was not only a comfort, but it was a way for me to sort out feelings.  Blogging soothed my soul.  It also allowed me to not feel so alone.  I was surprised at how many people read my blog, and even more surprised that i was able to connect with others here in blogger.

So why did i stop writing out my feelings and posting?  There were many reason's , but for the most part as i healed emotionally from all the trauma of my past i also lost the need to put my feelings and thoughts out for the world to see.  I became stronger and more confident.  I no longer needed to write.  That is a good thing.

So why am i back?

I am 47 years old now,  live in a place that is out in the middle of no where,  my two sons are now adults, and no longer need my constant attention.   I guess i am feeling a little lost.  My husband has his job that he loves.  He has purpose... Both my sons are starting new journeys in their lives.  They both have purpose.  One is going to Collage, and is enrolled in the ROTC.  His goal is to be in the Air Force and design planes.  The other son just Graduated from High school.  He does not want to go to Collage, but wants to also join the military.   My thoughts are really jumbled regarding that.  Two sons in the Military... I am proud of both,  but the mother in me feels this is so very unfair.  No mother should have to watch both sons go into the military.   However I am also very proud that i raised such confident men.  I am proud that they want to serve,  yet also scared that i will lose one or both of them while they are serving our country.  I am struggling with the fact that they both are now grown up, and no longer need me.

I did my job raising them... i did a good job so this should make me happy.  Right?  I am happy,  yet feeling a little lost also.  My husband has his purpose,  my sons have purpose.   Where does that leave me?  What is my purpose now?  Being a wife and a mother were my goals for so long that now i am struggling with having to set new goals.  I am still a wife and a mother,  but the demands on my time are no longer an issue.   I am no longer needed the way i used to be needed.  Of course they need me,  just not as much now.  This is exciting really.  I now can focus on myself.  Do for me....  This is the season where i can fully concentrate on my needs,  not on others needs right?

I paint a lot.  That keeps me happy for the most part.  However i can not help but wonder if i should be doing something more.  I have thought about going back to school.  This is the perfect time for me to do such.  Years ago i had no clue what classes i should take in collage.  now though that i know i love painting, I can take classes in the hopes of getting a fine arts degree.  My goal then would be to teach art.  I know i would love being a teacher.  Teaching others how to pour out their soul onto a canvas would be very cool.

Another option for me is to just paint.  I can paint for hours and hours on end now, and not worry about being interrupted.  My goal would then be to paint enough works to be able to display them in a Gallery somewhere.  This thought is very appealing to me.  It also allows me to stay at home if i am having a pain day.  My health issues are still there.  They have not disappeared.  They have improved some, but i do have days where i am in pain, or unable to think clearly because of fibro fog.   Health issues are a whole other blog post.   For now i just need to figure out which road i want to go down.  I need to figure out which path is the best path for me to take?

 So there it is.  I am back.  I need to be able to sort out feelings regarding this new phase in my life.  I no longer need to heal emotionally, i am so much stronger now.  So blogging will now be an outlet to help me figure out this new phase in my life.

More to come...

Blessings to anyone that might be reading these words.


Mary said...

Oh tracy, good to see you my friend, I have missed you, I too had stopped blogging for a long time but am now writing again. Still fighting that damn memories, but writing again has helped me so much, Keep painting, you do beautiful work, and keep blogging, love coming here, glad you are back..xoxoxo Mary

Tracy said...

Thank you so much Mary! Missed you too. :) It is good catching up on blogger friends.

Hugs my friend!

Raine said...

Maybe you could just start with a class or two and see how you feel about it ?

Tracy said...

Thank you Raine. I agree. I think that will be the best way to get back into School.

Mary said...

It sure is Tracy, seems no one is blogging much anymore at least the ones that I have on my side panel, really miss that, I am doing much much better, have started writng again, and can now say that I am a survivor and not a victim anymore, I belong to a fantastic group on facebook for victims of abuse and am now an admin of the group..its called Abuse survivors and victims united and is a closed group so if you ever feel you want to join up with us, will welcome you with open arms, love your paintings so much don't ever stop..big hugs to you have missed you so much my friend..xoxox

Tracy said...

Thank you Mary. Hugs my friend. You have been missed to!

Dean Corso said...

Hello Tracy. It's been a long time since I have talked to you, still I know you who you are and what you can do. I'm glad you are so strong and confident now, I'm so happy for you..from the bottom of my heart. You sons, hmm..I remember days you were worried about them on the way back from school..and now they are all grown up, perhaps it's their turn to worry about you? ;)
I tried and write you a couple of emails which didn't get a reply from you, thinking my emails go to your spam folder? Hope it's not because you don't want to write back. I'm sorry for not returning your last excuses.
I'm sure you'll listen to your heart and find "your" way out of the fog. God bless you and your guys.

Tracy said...

It is so good to hear from you Dean! I have not received any emails from you!!!! You know i would answer you back, or at least you should know this. I have sent you a couple of emails too. Did you get them? Do you have the same cell number? Lets talk soon please. Hugs !!!