Monday, March 30, 2009

Just because.....

I know I posted this song before on my blog, however I relate with the song, and wanted to share it once again. :) Besides some songs are just classic, and deserved to be revisited from time to time.

Thankfully the people i surround myself with now do not play head games. I am much more selective when choosing my friends now. :) Thank you to those I call friend for being so honest, and such a blessing for me.

A post for myself. Working it all out in my head.

Before you read, please know that after writing this post, I almost did not post it. It is a personal post that is meant for healing. My healing. Sometimes i think it is important to just write about stuff that one is holding in or thinking about. I am OK, just needed to vent some.

OK I figured it is time to write in my blog. Not just an every day post, but a real from the heart and soul post.

It has been so long since I have written anything personal.

I have been basically keeping my thoughts and feelings light hearted, and have spoken words that are what I like to call surface talk. Not allowing myself to think to deeply. Maybe it was because I needed to talk about nothing to deep. Who knows.

I made this blog to talk about issues though. Both emotional ones and physical ones. For some reason I got off that path. I guess i wanted or needed to be only positive. Which is great to, but sometimes life is not all about good.

There is so much i can write about. I think my senses become overwhelmed so i write nothing.

So tonight i am going to break that silence. I am going to just pick one of the many things that i am emotionally dealing with, and allow myself to release what I have held in. I need to get rid of some much needed baggage. I might not make any sense to my readers. I am not sure i will make sense to me....

Every time I turn around lately, I have had a certain topic brought up. It has come up on the T.v, in books,on the radio, and I even have had it come up with a friend of late.

The topic that was brought to the surface for me Is regarding rape. Such an ugly word really.

In my life time i have dealt with more then my fair share of hurt and pain. I have gone to counseling, have talked about the topic with a few select friends, and even addressed it here on my blog.

It was all a game to those who raped me. A game i do not get, or even want to understand.

I really hate this topic! I hate that I even have to deal with it at all. I always felt that if I went to counseling , if I talked about it, if I forgave those that hurt me I would experience peace.

I have given my pain over to God. Long ago I have given it to him. I still feel pain when the topic comes up.

Why is it I feel like it never will go away???? Why is it when I talk about rape I want to scream still? Why is it still a black spot with in my soul. Why can I not just tear those memories out of my mind, and throw them away, never to be looked at again? Why do I feel the need to even think on it?

I need to know why after all this time, it still feels so close to the surface? Why is it when I watch TV, talk to a friend, or even read about someone who has been raped, I get upset. I should be healed. I SHOULD BE FULLY HEALED... So why am I not?????

Those are questions I need answered. Those are questions that I know only God can answer.

I forgive, but can not forget. Maybe someday I will be able to look back at those times in my life, and see that in the long run I survived.

I survived, and I am a survivor. I am not a pawn to be used, abused and played with.....

I was raped in the month of April.

Maybe that is why it is all coming to the surface. Still i should be healed.

It is time....... Time to be fully healed.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

I am back

(picture taken by my husband)

Hi Everyone. I know it has been a long time since I have posted. There have been a few reasons i haven't. I have been very stressed to be honest.

My husband went out of town for six weeks due to work. I have a very hard time when he leaves. I actually had a lot of anxiety attacks, and every time i sat down to explain what was going on in my life no words would come, or i would feel even more anxiety.
I have been this way for as long as i can remember. I just do not deal well with being left alone. I am told through therapy that it is because I feel abandoned. I have huge abandonment issues. My head tells me one thing that I am fine, he has not left "me" and he will return. When something else deep down inside of me says it is untrue, something bad will happen and he is never going to return. It is very illogical i know this, but non the less it is what i go through each and every time.

Those of you who have followed my blog for a very long time know that this is a very hard thing for me to overcome. I became sick during the time he was away, probably because of the stress i was feeling. Now that my husband is home I am feeling better, but still dealing with fibro issues.

While my husband was gone my youngest son started having seizures. (I found this out yesterday when my husband and i took my son to the emergency room. My son never told me so i thought he was just messing around when i heard a thump! He would yell that he was just messing around. grrrr. He said he did not tell me because he did not want to worry me!) However he could by with that for long. The other night my son actually passed out in front of my husband and I! He went into a seizure. His eyes were wide open, and his head was shaking somewhat, and he looked liked he was trying to talk, but could not. It scared the living daylights out of us!

When he came out of the seizure, he had no real memory other then he felt like he was going to faint right before he did. The doctors told us that he needs to go to a neurologist. We set up an appt. and now we play the waiting game... My son is ok, and dealing with this very well it seems. He however is upset that the doctor told him he can not ride horses until we figure out all that is going on. He loves horses.

An update on my Twin, since i know several of you are also wondering how she is. My twin has had a very busy life! She became a cna (certified nursing assistant) during this time! I am so proud of her. However she to has had a hard couple of months. She has been very sick. She has struggled through pneumonia and just now found out her thyroid levels are very high! She has been losing so much weight. So she is now being sent to get more testing done. She should know more after she goes through more testing.

Through all that sickness she became a cna anyway! Yayyy Stacy! I am so very proud of her!!! This was a huge accomplishment!

My hubby and I celebrated our 18th anniversary yesterday! Even though we spent much of the day in the hospital with our youngest son I feel rather blessed that at least we are dealing with this situation together, and I am not all alone, because i would have freaked i think. I love my husband so very much and am proud that we have shared 18 wonderful years together.

Thank you to all who check out my blog every day. Thank you for caring and not giving up on my blog.

I hope you all have a blessed day!