Sunday, May 3, 2009

Quiet Musings regarding my latest Painting.

(I never fully understood how a woman can see an image larger then they really are while looking at themselves in a mirror. I am now seeing that it is real, and it does happen. Of course I am not anorexic but I defiantly see a woman staring back at me that is not reality based.)

I have had a few comments about my latest work "Full of Beauty" from a few people who are close to me.

I asked my husband several times if I got the lady right in the picture. If i captured my real self? He always got quiet, and said the painting is beautiful. I would push and say yeah but the lady??? Did I capture myself? He would go quiet, never really wanting to answer. Probably because he has told me many times that I see something other then he does when looking at me.

After asking again the other day my husband said that I exaggerated how large I really am. He said yes I am larger then I want to be, but I painted the lady bigger than I really am. Then quickly said but the painting is beautiful!

Today I was with a good friend of mine, and she quietly told me that I am not as large or old looking as I painted myself in that painting. She felt it was a good painting, but not one that is true to who I really am. She asked me what I was using to look at when i painted myself? She wanted to know if i looked in the mirror, or had a picture as a guide during the time I was painting? When I told her I used nothing but an image in my own head, she nodded, and said ok that makes sense. She told me that image was not a true image of me.

To be completely honest my husband took a few pictures of me from behind, and when I saw them I could only look at them for a few moments, and then I shut the camera of. Wanting him to delete them right away! I hated what I saw, and felt deep sadness when regarding myself. The image I saw made me want to cry. I had so many thoughts and feelings at that moment. I truly was disgusted, and saddened that I could be so over weight. I wondered to myself how can I paint that lady?

I had to do a soul check truthfully. I had to really come to terms with what is important in life. I had to give myself a pep talk that day. One shouldn't care so much about outer appearances, it is the inner beauty that is important is what I told myself.

It took me several months to come up with enough courage to paint what I saw that day.
I never once considered that maybe I was seeing a warped image of the real me.

Isn't it interesting how we see one thing in regards to ourselves, while others see something entirely different?

I have always seen a lady who is fat and ugly in the mirror. It did not matter how thin or what weight I actually was at the time. I simply saw fat, and ugly.

I could never understand why people see me as beautiful. I would privately think to myself that the person telling me that was either crazy... or just trying to make me feel better.

I always go silent when someone says I am pretty. It confuses me truthfully. In my mind I ask who are they seeing? Because it sure as hell is not me! I have laughed at people when they say Tracy you are pretty. I say aha.. thank you, and change the subject. A few have said wait! You really are. Why can you not see that! I just stare at them blankly because I am thinking, can you not see what I see? I actually get mad because I have felt like others are lying to me just to make me feel better.

I thought when painting "Full of Beauty" it would be an experience of letting go of baggage. The baggage of gaining weight. I now see it is a reality check for me instead.

The reality is, I honestly see someone different when I look in the mirror. I had to finally come to terms with the fact maybe it is me seeing wrong, and not everyone else.

It is something to ponder on.

Very interesting indeed......


Just Be Real said...

Tracy, thank you for posting this. This post can cover "across the board." Our 'warped' minds can not only mean what we see in a mirror, but how we think. I certainly can relate. What a struggle you are going through. I am so very sorry. Glad you have honest friends that can share and help you put some things into perspective, as hard as it is to believe.
Blessings dear one!

Mike Golch said...

Great posting,I have to agree with Just Be Real's comment,we do see a lot of different things when we look at ourselves in the mirror.I'm beginning to like the guy I see in the mirror now,instead of complaining about the bad stuff in his life.

jumpinginpuddles said...

we are large and dont give a shit about being big yet other people seem to have a problem with it, perhaps our lack of concern makes them fele they need to be concerned for us. But from soemone who was not in a great place with anorexia our body is not an issue to us now and to be honest we cant afford for it to be.

Dean Corso said...

This quest...of seeing the reality is wrapped up in a mystery you see Tracy. I'm glad you came to this point, and I hope you'll hold on to it.
But at the end the question remains: What is real? The one in the mirror or the one in our mind?

'Tart said...

How powerful is this post.

I know you're beautiful Tracy. It makes me sad to think you would feel that people were lying to you, or any of the other negativity. There were moments when I wanted to tear up.

But like I said to you in an email, you can reach so many women with that painting, and now with this posting. So many of us relate to weird or bad body image about ourselves, including me.

The joy and beauty that ARE shines and is VISIBLE. And for the record, you aren't fat and ugly, d*mn it!!

Maybe, I am not entirely sure, body image has to do with how we think others see us and us being worried what they think. And there's issues of being safe from other people, boundaries. Maybe that's just me. I guess it's just something to think about, because it's late and I'm rambling.

Normally I write you an email because I'm shy to write what I think on your blog but tonight I hope you understand what I am trying to say.

I just love ya, and a whole lot of people do too, and God does, and not in that order! Just for giggles, embrace the beautiful lady that you are because your beauty and sweetness is absolutely obvious to the rest of us.

I wish I could take away any problems for you. I think this is a big breakthrough and you brought it to your conciousness yourself (and with God's help, because I know that's how you paint) and you are problem solving something that you hadn't talked about before, something that so many of us relate to.

I hope you have a wonderful Mother's Day. Have a great weekend and I'll talk to you next week.