Quiet Musings regarding my latest Painting.

(I never fully understood how a woman can see an image larger then they really are while looking at themselves in a mirror. I am now seeing that it is real, and it does happen. Of course I am not anorexic but I defiantly see a woman staring back at me that is not reality based.)

I have had a few comments about my latest work "Full of Beauty" from a few people who are close to me.

I asked my husband several times if I got the lady right in the picture. If i captured my real self? He always got quiet, and said the painting is beautiful. I would push and say yeah but the lady??? Did I capture myself? He would go quiet, never really wanting to answer. Probably because he has told me many times that I see something other then he does when looking at me.

After asking again the other day my husband said that I exaggerated how large I really am. He said yes I am larger then I want to be, but I painted the lady bigger than I really am. Then quickly said but the painting is beautiful!

Today I was with a good friend of mine, and she quietly told me that I am not as large or old looking as I painted myself in that painting. She felt it was a good painting, but not one that is true to who I really am. She asked me what I was using to look at when i painted myself? She wanted to know if i looked in the mirror, or had a picture as a guide during the time I was painting? When I told her I used nothing but an image in my own head, she nodded, and said ok that makes sense. She told me that image was not a true image of me.

To be completely honest my husband took a few pictures of me from behind, and when I saw them I could only look at them for a few moments, and then I shut the camera of. Wanting him to delete them right away! I hated what I saw, and felt deep sadness when regarding myself. The image I saw made me want to cry. I had so many thoughts and feelings at that moment. I truly was disgusted, and saddened that I could be so over weight. I wondered to myself how can I paint that lady?

I had to do a soul check truthfully. I had to really come to terms with what is important in life. I had to give myself a pep talk that day. One shouldn't care so much about outer appearances, it is the inner beauty that is important is what I told myself.

It took me several months to come up with enough courage to paint what I saw that day.
I never once considered that maybe I was seeing a warped image of the real me.

Isn't it interesting how we see one thing in regards to ourselves, while others see something entirely different?

I have always seen a lady who is fat and ugly in the mirror. It did not matter how thin or what weight I actually was at the time. I simply saw fat, and ugly.

I could never understand why people see me as beautiful. I would privately think to myself that the person telling me that was either crazy... or just trying to make me feel better.

I always go silent when someone says I am pretty. It confuses me truthfully. In my mind I ask who are they seeing? Because it sure as hell is not me! I have laughed at people when they say Tracy you are pretty. I say aha.. thank you, and change the subject. A few have said wait! You really are. Why can you not see that! I just stare at them blankly because I am thinking, can you not see what I see? I actually get mad because I have felt like others are lying to me just to make me feel better.

I thought when painting "Full of Beauty" it would be an experience of letting go of baggage. The baggage of gaining weight. I now see it is a reality check for me instead.

The reality is, I honestly see someone different when I look in the mirror. I had to finally come to terms with the fact maybe it is me seeing wrong, and not everyone else.

It is something to ponder on.

Very interesting indeed......