Thoughts about shutting down my blog

I have been thinking long and hard about shutting down my blog. I almost did so today then I read my friend Tarts blog, and had second thoughts.

I still have a strong urge to stop blogging. I have lost most of my readers anyway because I hardly ever write here any longer. My reasons for not blogging are pretty simple. I was taught long ago that If I have nothing nice to say, then do not say anything at all.

The past year I have struggled with not only fibro issues, but emotional ones. I took a class last year regarding getting over ones past. Funny instead of it helping me do that, it sent me flying right back into my own past! Flashbacks, memories of wanting to kill myself, and in general a huge feeling of shame has taken over my thoughts.

I went into a mode of feeling like I should be punished for all the awful things in my past. I know that I have been forgiven. I am forgiven by all involved, and most importantly Jesus. I however struggle with forgiving myself. I have spent years working on a past that no longer matters. It however has held me bound.

I at times feel like a lady with all these heavy chains keeping me in one place, the past. Honestly speaking the chains have slowly been dropping from my soul. I still am chained down in some areas. I struggle daily to break free.

Recently I have been set free from the whole brainwashing time in my life. One huge chain i broke free from. What a relief.

Other chains however hold me in place. Ones of my growing up years, ones of rape, abuse, and heartache hold me in place. I know, most of you will say , Omg mysti just let it go. Just get over it!

I have been told that all my life, and if I could let my past go I would.

Omg believe me I would. I do not like holding on to those times in my past. It's more like they are holding on to me. I find myself wrapped up in my own thoughts and most times my own little world. Keeping my thoughts and feelings all locked up, because to share them with others opens myself to judgement. Trust me I judge myself enough for everyone.

I am not saying everyone judges me. I still have a few in my life that I can show my soul to, and those few special loved ones do not judge me. I have others though who I opened up fully to and in the end they used my words, my own feelings of guilt against me. Or worse yet, those who I totally loved, and thought felt the same way about me, just dropped me with out a second thought. A couple did that to me this year. The crazy thing is, I still mourn the loss of their friendship.

I do open up to others. I have opened up my soul to others. I show the real me, and I can name on one hand the ones who do not hold judgment and never will. However the others I told and who they said they would not judge, did so in the end and they added more chains that I need to try to break free from. So I shut down. I put up higher walls of protection, and refuse to show who I am to too many people.

Doing this however has brought me to a place where I feel alone. Part of me says good! No one to judge me, no one laughing at me, or rolling their eyes at me in frustration and amazement that one lady can be so foolish. The other side of me says hmmm not good, you lost most of your friends, and the love that can also be given from those who will not judge you.

I have slowly but surly pushed everyone away, leaving me in a place that i am not so sure is a good place to be.

For some reason today i decided to write down these thoughts. For some reason I read one friends blog and thought do not give up on your own blog. Part of me thinks why bother anymore? Part of me knows that a few loyal blogger friends of mine have not given up on me. Part of me also knows that I am actually pushing even those blogger friends away, and they wont hold on forever.

So I am going to try harder at opening up, and showing the true me to those few who actually care.

With that I am off.

Blessings

Mysti