Thursday, January 17, 2008

The private thoughts of a lady dealing with pain

These are my private thoughts while dealing with fibromyalgia, lead poisoning, and a bleeding disorder.

Depressions sets in. Feelings of hopelessness overwhelms me. Tiredness takes over, and before you know it days have passed.

Looking around and realizing nothing has been accomplished. Panic happens, and starts to become overwhelming. I take in deep breaths, trying to work through the pain and panic.

I try hard to calm down and begin telling myself that its not my fault I hurt.

Looking in the mirror I see someone I no longer know. I see a lady with dark circles under her eyes. My body looks unattractive in my eyes. I see that my hair needs to be cut, but I pull it back in a pony tail, because I know that the pain wont let me drive. I do not have the energy to leave my house and find a place that gives a decent hair cut anyway. I notice the small bruises that just popped out of no where on my body. My skin looks to white,i know i need sunshine, but nothing i can do about that, because it is raining outside, so no sun today.

I try to smile back at the lady I no longer know, and tell myself that someday the pain will end. Then I realize I really have lost my mind because I am talking to myself.

Pain reminds me that I am to tired to care that I sound crazy. I laugh and think who cares really if i lost my mind.... lol

Pain ravishes the soul, making it hard to care about much.

The phone rings, but i do not want to answer it, because it hurts to talk. I know others love me, and want to know i am ok. My voice however wont work with my mind, so i do not answer. Even if i had a voice today i have nothing positive to say.

I think , maybe tomorrow I can call them back and tell them sorry, that i still care, and love them.

Silent tears appear, I wipe them away.

Looking back into the mirror, I put on a smile, and hope that the pain is only obvious to me. Knowing that life goes on, and feeling sorry for oneself accomplishes nothing.

Days are passing me by so I better get a life. Pain reminds me that it will never go away. It is always just there. I tell myself to stop feeling sorry for myself. Others have it worse.

Pain shoots up my feet and legs. Pain hits the chest, running down the arms. I try to relax, knowing if i tense up it will be worse. Pain pounds at the neck and makes one see strange and have blurred vision. Energy is totally drained out of the soul, and body.

Pain will be there to greet me in the morning. So I need to just get over it.

I remind myself that i am very blessed, that it could be so much worse. I am breathing, and alive. Pain at least makes me feel. Feeling is a good thing. Better feeling pain, then nothing at all.

I remind myself that i have a plan. That maybe this round of detoxing, and new devices will help me be healthy. I try not to cry again, because i know detoxing means more pain, more fatigue, more depression. It is a chance though of feeling better in the end. I need the toxins out of my body, so i best deal!

Turning from the mirror i pray that others can not see that i have been crying. That maybe just maybe the lady that i just saw will look different to others.

I am alive, so life is good.

Pulling out my paints, canvas, and brushes I start to paint in hopes that i will disappear in the picture only i can see.
Where there is no pain, only my dreams.


wolfbaby said...

I imagine your other conditions complicate your FMS really bad... i have had days like this. I totally get it sometimes. know that your not alone.. at least you are painting.. the most i have done is a little writting... summer will come soon.. very soon. Hugs

keepers said...

this was so sensitive and poignant, we wish we could help in some way. we are thinking of you and pray you feel better.


'Tart said...

Dear Mysti,
I am so sad for the pain, for your deep and abiding pain, and all of the chronic disorders that are happening to you.

It's not just the pain of the disorders, it might be pain about you having them.

You seem embarassed to have them, maybe because they are different disorders. But that is a hidden pain extra on top for you.

Love you. Others love you. I prayed for you. I love you. Just the way you are, you don't have to entertain me. Love thyself, you are so important. Think of the lives hanging off you who need you to be happy, have joy, (that is entirely separate from your need to make the very best dinner!:)
I'll talk to you soon when you can. I'll wait. I know wellness will return.:):):)