I have been having a hard time explaining my experience with Cleansing streams. The experience has not only touched me deeply but has had a profound impact on my life.

I knew that this experience was going change my entire life. I knew that God was going to work wonders for me. I just did not know how or what he had in mind for me.

Truthfully i could not see what else he could possibly have in store for me during this retreat because i had already seen how much he had done for me in the last two months. I thought he had changed my life so much already, what more could he possibly do?

I know this post will be a long one, because to explain how the retreat touched my life i really have to start with the weeks prier to the retreat. I have to explain what led me to going to this retreat, and how God is so very powerful if you only hear him when he speaks to you.

Before I even agreed to taking this class i felt an urgency to change. I started having dreams and visions during my day. I saw two paths before me. I was told that i had a choice. I could continue along the path i was taking, or i could choose to go down another path, one that i knew instinctively would change my life forever.

I heard a voice say that if i did not change right now i would forever regret it. I knew one of the paths was God led. The other path was man led. Or in my case woman led. The man led one i knew was filled with much pain, sorrow, and death. The other was filled with light, and life.

During that time I was drinking more and more. My pain from fibromyalgia was so great that i struggled and fought with how to deal with that pain. I was slowly killing myself with alcohol. I knew i had a problem, but i allowed myself to believe it was the only way to deal with the pain. The thing is, yes it took some of the pain away, but only for a short period of time, making it so i needed more wine to dull the pain.

During the visions and dreams i was having, a voice deep inside told me i was killing "me". I was killing my soul with the wine i was drinking. Not only was the wine killing the pain, but it was also killing my spirit.

I prayed to God then, i asked him how do i deal with the pain? How do i live with the pain. My answer was given. A very loud shout was given to me. One that asked me "do i fear the pain"? "Or do i fear God" ???? Am i choosing to fear PAIN OR GOD?????? That instantly humbled me. Right then i prayed for forgiveness. I vowed to God i would listen to him. I put my trust in him.

Now this is the amazing thing. As i struggled each day to deal with my pain with out alcohol a song would play through my head. One i had heard before but not well enough to know all the words. Each moment the pain invaded my body, pain so bad all i could do is cry a song would play in my head loudly. By the end of the song the intensity of the pain subsided. When i was not in pain i could not remember the words or even the music of this song. It was the strangest thing. I would struggle to remember the song. I wanted that song to play later because it was such a comfort to me. I would only remember the song during intense moments of pain. I can only tell you that the song i heard was God sent. It was his way of letting me know he was dealing with my pain. While at the retreat I heard this song again. It played during a time of prayer and while a prayer warier was anointing me with oil to break a bond with soul ties.

This is the song and the lyrics :

VERSE 1

Light of the world
You stepped down into darkness
Opened my eyes, let me see
Beauty that made
This heart adore you
Hope of a life spent with you

CHORUS

Here I am to worship
Here I am to bow down
Here I am to say that you're my God
You're altogether lovely
Altogether worthy
Altogether wonderful to me

VERSE 2

King of all days
Oh so highly exalted
Glorious in heaven above
Humbly you came to the earth you created
All for love's sake, became poor

I'll never know how much it cost
To see my sin upon that Cross

Call upon the name of the Lord
And be saved



That is only one of the many ways God had already touched me before the retreat.

I had a hard time reading the bible. Due to an incident that took place several years ago of not only being brainwashed but having the word (bible) being used to do such, i could no longer read the word with out hearing the man who brainwashed me in my head.

Before i started the study that cleansing streams wanted me to do i had to read certain parts of the bible. I sat one day and prayed. I poured out my heart to the Lord, asking him how such a situation could have happened to me? What i heard then astounded me. I heard a voice tell me to read a passage. That voice kept saying to read Psalms 10. It became louder as i sat there. I did not want to read the bible. laughing. The voice was persistent though. It got louder and louder for me during that time, telling me to read Psalms 10.

Finally i gave into the voice, because in truth it was being shouted to me. lol I opened my bible to that passage and read it. Instead of hearing the voice of the man who brainwashed me i heard another. One that was soothing. One that was gentle. One that helped me hear and understand what the passage had said. The passage was one that explained to the tee the situation i had in dealing with brainwashing. It was exactly about the situation. Since that day i have had no problem in reading the bible. I was then able to fully study for this retreat.

During the retreat God had a plan. A plan to clean every single hurt i had. A plan to break every chain and bond that held me bound to the past. He had a plan to take my broken bleeding heart that i had surrounded with strong walls as a protection and replaced that heart with one that was not only strong and had no holes in it but with one that was whole! He humbled my pride and my spirit. He healed not only my heart and soul, but my spirit. He took every single fear i had and threw them out. I had a fear of not only men, and crowds but a fear of myself. I feared me. I know that sounds strange, but i honestly feared myself. I feared who i was and what i knew God had in store for me. I feared walking that walk. I feared i would not be the person God knew i was. I feared that i was not good enough, that i would not measure up to the person God wanted me to be.

During this retreat I feared being around men. Men hurt me in my past. I say men because it was many men who hurt me in my past. God made sure that every time i went up to pray with a prayer warier it would be with a man! I not only had men praying over me, I had men wrapping me in their arms and holding me tight praying with me. By the end of the retreat i realized that i no longer had a fear of men.

During this retreat i had a fear of crowds. I was surrounded with people. In fact there were moments when i thought how am i to breath? By the end of this retreat i no longer thought about how do i breath? I just breathed, and found i was ok. :)

During this retreat i learned who i was. I saw not only my past, and the present, but i could see myself in the future. I no longer feared myself. I saw the beauty of what God had done for me, and I trust that God will lead my spirit from now on. I am a person of beauty. I saw myself as ugly before. I now see how beautiful i am.

I now see how Satan had worked in my life. The lies he has fed me. The way he used men to hurt and destroy the person God meant me to be. I saw how he put things in my life to keep me from God.

I also see how God took care of those lies, and chains Satan had surrounded me with.

Every chain, every shackle, every hurt, every fear, and any word that had bound my soul has been broken.

That is what going to this retreat did for me. This is what God had in mind when he made me choose which path i wanted to take.

By the end of the retreat i was singing this song. I am still singing this song. :)



I'm trading my sorrow
I'm trading my shame
I'm laying it down for the joy of the Lord

I'm trading my sickness
I'm trading my pain
I'm laying it down for the joy of the Lord

Chorus:
And we say yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord
Yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord
Yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord Amen

I'm pressed but not crushed persecuted not abandoned
Struck down but not destroyed
I'm blessed beyond the curse for his promise will endure
And his joy's gonna be my strength

Though the sorrow may last for the night
His joy comes with the morning